Always Midnight
by HunterJumpergirl26
Summary: Takes place Mid-season 4, Meredith really wishes she'd taken the front door. When Meredith is attacked and raped by a serial rapist outside the hosptial her world shatters. Will the tragedy tear she and Derek apart or will it bring them closer together?
1. Chapter 1

**So I've decided, after much consideration to tackle it and write this story. I've had the idea for a while. I'd like to warm that is very dark and it contains Rape. So if you're not comfortable reading it…then don't. I really want to be able to write this the way it should be written considering this topic is a ridiculously serious one. The road to recovery for Meredith will be a long one but hopefully you'll like the story. So please review I'd love your feedback.**

The cool wind snips at her as Meredith walks out the back entrance of Seattle Grace. The Seattle weather is melancholy as usual. The grey, wet, surroundings are all too familiar to her, though most would find it depressing she's past it, to her it's just the weather when it's March in Seattle. Miscellaneous noise from the evening rush of Seattle buzzes all about but all she really cares about is getting to her car and driving home. She'd just got off a fifty hour shift and all she really feels the need to do is sleep. The chilly breeze and sharp rain pelt her face and she ducks more into the hood of her jacket for protection from the pinching sensation.

Derek Shepherd takes up her thoughts and she can't help but feel agitation at the thought of him, they'd broken up… again, that's a real shocker. He wanted her to marry him and live in his house or else… maybe she should talk to him. The indecision harps her and she begins to feel enraged at herself for even bothering to think about him, considering they were never going to work, yet she still has the irrational hope that maybe she'll wake up and magically get whole and healed and ready to give him exactly what he wants.

The harsh tug at the back of her head sends her flying backward and wincing from the pain. She screams but she feels a hand covering her mouth, restricting her breath. Adrenaline instantly pumps through her and the rush in her sympathetic nervous system takes over. She thrashes, desperately trying to get out of the strong grip around her. She screams but the sounds are muffled and barely audible. Her foot makes contact with some part of the man but doesn't seem to affect him at all. She bites into his hand and the hot, red blood spills into her mouth as soon as she does so. His hand flies off her mouth now in pain.

"You little bitch!" he exclaims, his voice is icy and cold, it sends a shiver down her spine. Her heart seems to pump over time and she continues to thrash as he grips around her tightly again. He throws her with all his force and she feels instant pain as her head makes contact with the corner of the building. The hot blood rushes down her head and the dizzy sensation takes over, she knows that she's most definitely cracked her head open. Her mind flashes to all the possibilities as her vision blurs and the blood continues to flow out of her like a waterfall. Maybe she's severely concussed, maybe she has a Subdural Hematoma, maybe her brain is swelling at this very moment from the pressure and she'll end up a vegetable. The doctor in her considers all the possibilities, but what she knows at this moment is that it hurts… a lot.

The blood in her mouth tastes like iron and makes her want to gag. _His_ blood is in her mouth, she shutters at the thought. She desperately spits it all out onto the ground but the taste still remains in her mouth like the after math of a fire, just because you put it out doesn't mean it doesn't leave evidence of it being there.

She feels herself being jerked back upward forcibly and pain shoots through her arm all the way up to her shoulder, the light headed sensation continues along with the searing pain and flowing blood. The world's spinning and blurry, confusion sweeps over her, she freezes like her brain stopped sending signals to her body. He continues to push her up against the wall and soon the hard, cold, damp concrete angrily meets her. The force of the fall makes her grunt and hot tears finally prick at her eyes.

_Is she going to die?_

The thoughts of all the morbid ways this man could kill her flash through her mind as his leg finally makes contact with her ribs. The sudden blow knocks the wind out of her, he keeps kicking repetitively, each one viciously stabbing her ribs and taking her breath away. She weakly cries for him to stop but the words won't come out of her mouth as she desperately struggles to breathe.

He stops and sinks down to her level now, she can see the mixture of blood and hot tears mixing on the ground underneath her and the hope finally begins to fade from her beat up body. He makes a grab at the once white now red from all the blood, hooded jacket and unzips it, angrily ripping it off her. Her system almost seems to stop when realization of what he's about to do sets in.

"Please." She manages to get out at barely even a whisper. He rips off the cotton tee-shirt now, exposing her bra and bare skin to the cold concrete and Seattle wind. She shutters at the temperature change and goose bumps from both fear and cold prick her skin.

He forcibly rips off her jeans now, and she can feel herself sobbing.

"Be quiet bitch." She hears him spit. The pool of red beneath her continues to grow and before he even does what she knows he's about to do, she finds herself wishing desperately that she would just bleed out and die. He rips her panties in half and they fall in a shredded heap next to her pelvis on the ground.

She desperately squirms now and attempts to yell but no matter how hard she yells the sound doesn't go above desperate, pathetic cry. She can feel him staring at her and the sheer terror taking over her accelerates her heart rate. She finds herself pathetically wishing for Derek, wishing he would be there… saying things.

He roughly thrusts into her and she cries out in pain.

"Stop, please, just let me die." She whispers breathlessly. He laughs cynically and just continues, causing her more pain. She desperately fights her fists pound into him but, they don't do her any good. His weight crushes her; he's definitely heavier than Derek. He continues to thrust and she continues to scratch and claw at him.

"I'm just getting started." He says grinning at her, she spits in his face, and the stinging sensation of his hand making contact with her face stuns her for a moment. He just goes in harder and harder and no matter how many times she tells him to stop or that he's going to hurting her, he won't stop. He simply laughs with pleasure at her pain.

She finally stops fighting him; her body gives up in exhaustion. The light headedness becomes more intense as the blood pool continues to grow larger beneath her. He just continues. She can feel herself bleeding there now too as he just keeps on going.

The seconds morph into minutes but the minutes feel like hours to her as she lays there helplessly beneath the man. His cold, cruel, gray eyes burrow into her and his rotten toothed smile makes her nauseous. The misery amplifies with each painful second and she wishes now for death. The universe however, doesn't seem to comply. She begs and pleads in her mind for this all too just be over.

He finally pulls out now and doesn't go back inside her right away. Relief fills through her, even if it is only temporary. He smirks delightfully at his victim and stares for a moment at her; broken, exposed, helpless. He finally adverts his gaze and walks away. No use in killing her when she's already bled out so much. He figures that with his hand, the bitch deserves to suffer.

So he leaves her there, behind the back entrance of the hospital to bleed out and die. He hadn't plan on her at all like he had the others but she was just… his type, he simply couldn't resist himself. This work is… careless but, it was a risk worth taking.

Meredith Grey just lays there, helpless as she continues to bleed. The back entrance, especially when it's rainy and cold out is the one no one ever uses. Of course she'd used to avoid Derek. The irony dawns on her, she used the back entrance to avoid Derek but she just spent the past thirty minutes hoping desperately that he would by some small miracle use save her. She would miss Derek and hopes for his life to turn out well flood her thoughts as she shivers from the cold hitting her exposed body.

All of the hope flows away from her like the blood flowing from her head. She wishes she had just taken the front entrance, this could have been avoiding. She was avoiding the wrong thing after all. She also regrets not being with Derek anymore, how would he react to her death?

The cold wind rips across her and she desperately makes a grab for her jeans. She winces at the motion but feels her hand grip them. She tries desperately to get them on her legs. The pain finally catches up with her even more as the adrenaline slowly wears off. Her sympathetic nervous system is in overdrive. The joy she feels when they finally both slide onto her legs is shortly lived, she knows she's about to die but at least they won't find her naked and she'll escape the cold a little.

She manages to get them past her hips and buckled by some miracle. The exhaustion takes over her and she feels herself drifting, she knows death is finally coming and feels relief now.

Memories of the Ferry accident flash back through her mind. The black ice cold water feels all too familiar as she shakes uncontrollably on the concrete. She feels herself struggle to breath yet again and fear rises within her. Maybe she didn't want to die. It had not been exactly pleasant last time, she shutters as everything continues to come back to her; the little girl missing her mother, the man on the dock, the fire, the chaos. The blood, the ice cold water and her sinking lower and lower, not even caring about her impending death. She feels a jolt of something, not quite sure what it is, but she feels the need now to move… to do something, to _live_.

_She wants to live._

She heaves in a painful breath and makes herself aware of her surroundings yet again. The world is spinning and blurred like she's on one of those carrousels at the park, the ones where you just spin and spin until your either brave enough to jump or someone is kind enough to stop it, only this time there's no jumping or stopping it no matter how hard she tries.

The cold wind rips through her and she makes out the door, though it's only about ten feet away it seems like a mile. She cries a little when she thinks about the impossibility to make it there. Her heart still feels as though it's pumping out of chest, viciously beating against her ribs and causing the throbbing to only intensify.

She reaches out but winces in pain as her left arm extends out in front of her, most likely fractured or dislocated though it's hard to tell which. She grabs out with the other arm and grips onto nothing, her heart sinks, she really wishes there's something to grip.

She pulls herself along, like a snake slithering in the grass, only there's not grass beneath her. She uses her arm to sort of drag herself one painful inch at a time. She keeps telling herself she's almost there and that someone will find her soon.

The textured concrete scrapes against her skin and slowly pulls off particles. At this point though she doesn't even care as it rubs her elbow raw. She continues and lets her head fall in relief when she comes to the door.

_She's there._

She soon realizes though that she'll have to reach up for the door handle and she groans at the thought. She knows it's really going to hurt and it won't be easy considering the world still moves like that stupid carousel and she can't even stand. She reaches upward with her arm and the over extension in her ribs makes her scream out in pain. Hot tears sting her eyes as the searing and shooting pains go throughout her entire body. Her nerves are screaming at her to stop but she stupidly ignores them. The cold hard mettle door handle meets her hand graciously and she pulls with all her might despite the worsening pain. She feels the blood beginning the drip down the front her face now, and the red liquid stings her eyes.

She blinks rapidly as the door swings open with the entire force of her arm, whatever fight she has left that is. She continues to blink, hoping the blood will flow out of her eyes. It blinds her and she lies back down halfway in between the door and the cold outside.

She wipes her eyes with her hands and though the stinging still continues she can make out shapes. She pulls herself all the way inside and the heavy glass door shuts behind her. She sees the small doorway five feet up to the left and it motivates her to go a little bit farther.

"_A little bit farther and I'll be there, I'll be fine" _

She tells herself this over and over as she drags herself down the hallway, leaving a trail of red blood behind her. Much to her luck the door is open. She breathes a sigh of relief at not having to open yet another door. Maybe the universe threw her one little favor in all of this.

She recognizes the room as the night janitor's office, its small maybe ten by ten, if that even. The small dark corner looks appealing to her. It feels safe; like the man wouldn't be able to find her if he should come back. It's stupid but she can't help but think it.

The warmer atmosphere makes her great full that she no longer has to be out in the cold stinging elements of Seattle. She finally curls up and the pain catches up with her, crippling her with each second as her heart rate slows.

She knows the adrenaline is wearing off, if it hadn't been for the adrenaline she wouldn't have been able to crawl here in the first place. She continues to feel herself growing less and less conscious and she knows it's a bad sign.

Hopefully someone finds her soon.

/

Derek Shepherd let's out an exasperated sigh as he heads down the stairs of hospital. It had been a long day. After ten hours of surgery, he'd lost the patient anyway; he'd lost Meredith again today too. He's good as losing things apparently. He brushes his hair back in frustration as he spots Mark Sloan flirting with a pretty red headed nurse at the nurse's station.

He slowly approaches. It feels as though the life's just been sucked out of him. Mark smirks at him and he can't help but dread the festivities of tonight.

"Derek, this is Mia, she's nurse." He says hinting to his friend; obviously he's never been in a serious relationship. Derek just politely smiles at her and extends out his hand to her.

"Derek Shepherd." He says cordially, not wanting to sound rude to her. She was… pretty actually. Long dark red hair, big brown eyes, nice face, big boobs; definitely quite appealing. She smiles a pretty smile at him now.

"Mia Thomas, I'm the new nurse here." She says checking him out. He's definitely worth looking at, that's for sure. He looks to Mark for a moment, indicating that they should leave.

"Well, it's very nice to meet you, but we better be going I've been on for over twenty four hours now." he says slightly more deflated. Her shoulders sag a bit; she wishes he had asked her out for drinks.

"Ok, nice meeting you Derek." She turns to Mark now, "See you around Mark." She says slightly flirtatiously, though she doesn't find him all that appealing, of course he's attractive but not exactly her type. She walks away and Mark motions at Derek, mouthing the words,

"_What the fuck man."_

Derek exhales; the last thing he needs to think about right now is another woman after he's just blown it with Meredith… again. The walk out into the cold rain now, the temperature change shakes him up.

"Come on man, she was like a 20!" Mark exclaims. Derek lets out a noise, he's not quite sure what it is, a small laugh perhaps?

"She was very pretty," Derek says, brushing him off.

"Dude she was smoking hot and she wanted _you_ over _me_." he exaggerates. Derek snorts and rolls his eyes. "Don't role your eyes at me! I'm serious why the hell did you not take her out for drinks?" he says in shock.

"Meredith and I just broke up." He explains. Mark rolls his eyes now.

"Yeah for like the fifth time now, just face it you guys aren't going to work, you got to move on, take out that sexy nurse." Mark advises, "When a woman _that_ hot finds you more attractive than me, you got to take advantage of it." Mark says.

"Meredith finds me more attractive than you." Derek replies arrogantly.

"Mia puts Meredith to shame." Mark says as if it's obvious. Derek shoots him a glare now and speeds up his pace. "Come on man! I didn't mean to hurt you ego." Mark says making fun of him

"I don't care if you hurt _my_ ego Mark." He emphasizes angrily.

"Come on, Derek you're really mad because I told you that the nurse puts Meredith to shame?" he says, unbelievable. "Did you see her Derek? She could model for Victoria's secret."

"Like I said Mark put me down all you want but leave Meredith out of it and that nurse does not put Meredith to shame, I happen to think Meredith is much prettier." He says irrationally defensive of a woman he's no longer with.

"She's much hotter Derek, but you have to get over her! I mean you just got mad at me for saying another chick is hotter than she is… she's got you absolutely whipped." Mark says mockingly though he's completely serious at the same time. Derek laughs cynically at what he already knows.

Will another girl ever be able to compare to Meredith?

He spots her blue jeep sitting in the corner of the parking lot, illuminated by the streetlight above it. He stops abruptly and freezes where he's at.

_Why the hell is she still here? Something's not right._

All the blood drains from his face as he thinks about it. Irrational fear clouds him. Mark stares at him confused, then flashes his gaze to the jeep and rolls his eyes.

"Yes Derek that is Meredith's jeep." Mark says, "Can we please just go." Mark says exasperated.

"She was supposed to be off hours ago." He says numbly to no one in particular.

"So she got pulled into surgery…" Mark says trailing off, "Or maybe she passed out in an on-call room." Mark says, "Oh or maybe she's at Joe's looking for a one night stand and drowning her sorrows in tequila, she'd be too drunk to drive." Mark states, the blood boils in Derek for a second and his hand makes contact with the side of Mark's face in a forceful backhand.

"Bitter, bitter, bitter; can't handle the truth can you?" Mark taunts.

"Mark just go look for her at Joe's I'm going to check in the hospital just to make sure she's alright." Derek barks at him. Mark makes a meowing noise and Derek scowls at him.

"Fine Oscar, I'll go look for her, but we're at the hospital you paranoid weirdo, what do you think could have possibly happened to her?" Mark questions, Derek loses his patients and Mark can tell by the way he tenses up, he knows not to tease him anymore and he goes off towards Joe's.

Derek tears back into the hospital and searches around desperately for the petite blonde woman everywhere.

"Chief! Do you know where Meredith is?" Derek questions anxiously, the chief thinks for a moment.

"She should be gone, she was off hours ago but hey! You want to watch Saving Private Ryan when we get back to the trailers" he questions, Derek nods quickly, just taking off now to find Meredith. He runs back up the steps and peaks into the on call room.

"What the hell man!" Alex Karev bites viciously at him. His heart sinks when she's nowhere to be found, "Shut the fucking door so I can sleep!" his anger rises now.

"Sorry, have you seen Meredith?" Derek questions. Alex groans in agitation.

"No man, I haven't she was off hours ago, so she's probably at home sleeping, something that I'd like to do very much right now!" he exclaims at him. Derek closes the door mutters "asshole" under his breath as he continues to make his way around.

He makes a quick run to the OR board now but her name is not up there. The angst in the pit of his stomach continues to grow with worry.

"_Meredith where the hell are you?"_

He continues to search and spots Miranda Bailey now.

"Miranda!" she turns to face him now, "Have you seen Meredith anywhere?" Derek questions hopefully.

"Nope but she should be at home where I sent her." She says almost threateningly.

"Her car's still out in the parking lot." He says trying not to sound like a basket case.

Bailey sighs now in disappointment.

"Did you check Joe's?" she questions dully, hoping the answer is "yes." And "she wasn't there." Thought that would mean she was MIA.

"Mark is right now." he says, hoping that even if she's flirting with other guy's that she's at least safe.

"Derek!" his voice booms from behind both Derek and Baily turn their heads towards it. Mark jogs up quickly.

"She wasn't there." Mark says, almost worried himself now, Derek's stomach turns in discomfort. Not at Joe's, not a sleep, not in the OR…

The beeping noise of a pager interrupts all their thoughts and they all instinctively grab them from their pockets. Bailey looks at the two of them now.

"It's me, but page me when you find her please." She says staring them both down.

"Will do." He says wearily.

"She's not on the board but I'm going to check in all the OR's." Mark says¸ Derek nods though he's consumed in his own thoughts. He thinks for a moment,

"_Where the hell would she be…" _

The light bulb goes off in his head and he darts off for the tunnels, hoping she's passed out on a gurney in there somewhere. He passes up several familiar faces and he nods at them politely though he's not even remotely calm at the moment. He picks up his pace as the anxiety only heightens. The feeling… like the one she'd had when the bomb came that day. He remembers telling her he gets them sometimes too and that they pass. This is by far the worst one he's gotten and he knows it's not about to just pass. He searches around the tunnel. The dimly lit room only slightly illuminated quite honestly gives him the creeps; he spots the back exit and just for some unknown reason goes out. He continues to walk on towards the back exit where the janitor's office is and the dread increases with each step.

His blood feels like its stopped dead within him when he spots the small blue duffle like bag sitting against the wall in a pile heap, like someone had thrown it. He recognizes it as her bag right on the sight of it. He continues to walk forward and his stomach gargles and flips when he's sees it…

The bright red liquid covering the floor in a huge pile makes him want to vomit when he jumps to the conclusion that it's her's.

_Was she attacked?_

_Did she simply give up again?_

_Is she alive?_

All these thoughts swarm in his mind as he follows the blood trail… the trail… it's like someone dragged themselves along. He spots something and kneels down to exam it. He that he's holding a familiar lock of golden blond hair in his hand. The blood covered white jacket lays over in one corner and a pair of lacy blue panties lay torn into shreds on the ground.

_He knows these panties_

His heart feels like it's stopped in his chest now.

_Why are her panties on the ripped?_

The thought crosses his mind but disgust smacks into him, it's too horrible to be true, but why else would they be lying there on the ground? He searches desperately for an alternative solution to the dreaded one he prays isn't true. He unfortunately comes up empty no matter how hard he thinks.

The back of his throats burns at the realization and his Adam's apple bobs as he chokes back the tears. He knows know that it's indeed Meredith. He makes his way into the small alien area of the hospital as the blood trial continues. He stifles a sob; _this is his Meredith's blood._

He mentally prepares himself for what could be in the room. The thought of finding her dead makes him want to vomit. Nausea sweeps him and bile rises up his esophagus, he manages to push it back down as the burning sensation continues. He walks into the room slowly; the blood trail leads across it.

He walks up to the corner behind the desk and the anxiety, dread and fear are at an all-time high.

The sight of her makes him cringe instantly. It was most defiantly her. There's blood rushing from her head, she looks… broken there on the floor, his stomach does a 180 when he sees the cuts and bruises on her considering her shirt is missing and she has on only a bra.

"_Why is her shirt missing? _

Panic overtakes him when he sees her coloring she's pale with a blue-ish tone to her. She's hypothermic all right. Like the day he found her in water… not as extreme but she shouldn't be hypothermic. He swallows with much difficultly and lightly strokes the side of her face with his index finger the way she likes.

"Mer." He says in a broken whisper, "Wake up, you have to wake up for me." he says shaking her in desperation, she has a pulse… barely.

Meredith jolts awake and winces at the sight. Terror and confusion entangle her as the spinning continues.

"Mer, it's ok, it's _me_, it's Derek." He says crying now too. She realizes this and allows him to come closer without her wincing away. "You're okay just come here so I can take you to the ER." He says extending out his arms to grab her, he pulls her into his arms and she instinctively wraps her arms around his neck. He steadies himself on his feet and carries her. She barriers her bloody head into his neck and smears it on him, despite the blood against his face and two hundred dollar trench, he snuggles closer to her. He pulls his phone of his pocket now and hits the second third speed dial.

"Get a trauma room ready!" he says urgently into the phone.

"You found her." Mark says shakily now too, the tone of Derek's voice makes him cringe internally.

"Yeah." He says breathlessly.

"How bad?" he questions.

"She's hypothermic, cracked her had open and lost a lot of blood, Mark she's-she's covered in blood." He sobs into the phone.

"Derek, I'm paging Bailey, Nelson, Haun, Torres, everyone. I'll have AB on standby." He says trying to comfort his friend.

"Anything else I should know?" Mark questions.

"Mark… I-I think s-someone raped her." He finally let's out painfully with a sob. The realization taunts him…. This has to be a dream.

He holds her closer now, praying that she'll hold on.

"Come on Meredith, hold on for Me." he whispers softly in her ear.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Thanks to everyone for all the great feedback on Chapter 1, I really am flattered and hope you all continue to read and enjoy this story. This chapter is the immediate aftermath. I've introduced the leading detective on the case into the story as well because he will eventually play a bigger role in all of this, not to mention I thought it would be interesting to get sort of an outsider's view point on all of this rather than just the main characters we all know and love. Not only is this story about Meredith and her recovery but it's also about how everyone else handles the trauma of the situation. I will try to update this as frequently as possible but they may take a while because I'm really trying to write this well and for great chapters it will take time. But please continue to R&R, reviews give me motivation.**_

* * *

><p>Detective Vince Ryan has ghosts in his past. Like most people, he's had his share of trauma in his life. This is most likely the reason he became a cop in the first place, to stop the monsters lurking in the dark.<p>

He's working late, as usual. The clock on the wall says its 1:42 a.m., he sighs at the time. He knows he should go home and that sitting around digging some more really won't help him but in his six years in the Seattle PD, four of them have been spent trying to catch a man who's seemingly untouchable.

"Hey Ryan, how long you gonna stay here and stare at your case files and victims?" Tony half-heartedly jokes. Vince runs his hand through his sandy brown hair now in frustration. He smirks at the middle aged, dark haired, short man now.

"As long as I need to, Contenado." He replies still half smiling at the man. He stands up now, towering over the 5'5" man next to him, he's got him by about six inches.

"Why don't you go grab a drink with me, I know you wanna catch that sick bastard but staring at your case files ain't gonna do you no good." He says motioning toward the young detective.

"I know I just, I gotta feeling something may change soon." He says trying not to sound too naive or crazy. Tony rolls his eyes a little now.

"The guy's careful as they come, rookie. I mean come on he's always careful, he never leaves his victims alive and the one time the condom broke we didn't even have enough on the guy to run a match on the DNA 'cuz there was nobody to testify against him, it's like trying to catch smoke."

"I know but sooner or later he's going to slip up, that's my golden opportunity." He says winking his bright green eye at the man now.

"You'll learn soon enough rook, there's some guys who just won't ever get caught." He says leaving Vince alone in his office again.

Vince takes his seat again; he grabs at his coffee and sips it, willing himself to stay awake. Whether or not Tony believes it, there will be a break through eventually and he wasn't going to stop until there is. He eyes all of the twelve victims on the board, studying the details about them.

Personally, none of these women were connected in anyway but physically, they're his "Type" so to speak. All blonde, all petite, all pretty girls. These women always seemed to be what he went for. He winces as he reads through their info again.

Jamie Tanner, Age 23

She was going to school to be a Kindergarten teacher. She had everything ahead of her but now… she was dead. The latest victim of the man he wishes so desperately to catch. A man whom he suspects yet has nothing on, a man whom he cannot get a seamen sample from because it would be an injustice to the human rights.

He snarls at the thought "an injustice to human rights", raping woman and killing woman is an injustice to public safety.

"Newbie, we found another one." Frank, a heavy set balding man says as he pops into Vince's office, he gives an exasperated sigh now.

"Is the Forensic team on it now?" he says as he loosens his tie slightly, suddenly feeling a bit nauseous at the thought of another petite blonde woman being found dead.

"Yeah but there's good news, she's _alive_." He says smiling now at the young cop, "Not to mention, he didn't use a condom." He says a bit too excitedly over the victim. Vince blinks rapidly for a few moments, trying to intake what was just said. He shoots up from his chair now.

"Where is she at?" he questions as he grabs his black coat off the back of his chair along with his car keys.

"Seattle Grace Hospital, she's being examined now and the teams collecting evidence."

Vince rushes out the door and down the hall, the adrenaline pulses through him in excitement at the break through he's just had on the case. He smiles finally, _the man is going to be caught._

The thought boggles his mind; this will be the last woman he ever rapes. His keys jangle as he makes his way towards the back parking lot of the precinct.

"Hey Tony, you're about to eat your words." He calls out happily, the cops eyes shoot over to him now.

"No shit?" he questions in shock and excitement, "You mean that bastard finally fucked up?" he questions running after the cop now.

"She's _alive._" He calls over his shoulder, almost leaping out the door now, Tony rushes after him and gets next to him now.

"I'm not about to miss this." he says smirking at Vince now, "My boy Ryan's about to nail this sick son of a bitch!" he says celebratory. They get into his black SUV now and he slams the keys into the ignition. The light rumble of the engine makes him jump a little¸ or maybe it's the caffeine, who really knows?

They pull out of the parking lot and silence stretches over them both. Vince grips the steering wheel thinking about just how long he's been waiting for this day. The victims still flash through his mind and he suddenly feels guilty over the happiness he feels. Sure, they got the guy's DNA and the girl lived but… _she was still raped._

A perfectly nice, young, pretty, blonde was raped; no matter what happens to her attacker, she will still have to live with the aftermath of it. He swallows hard and his mood immediately changes just at the thought of her.

"So we just pretty much caught your rapist and… you don't look happy." Tony says playfully slapping his arm.

"I'm happy I'm about to catch him… it's just that a girl got raped and I mean we don't even know what kind of shape she's in." he says guiltily.

"Listen greenie, the victims… they don't ever get easier but that don't mean you don't get 'ta be happy 'cus you found the guy." He says wanting him to take some pleasure in the fact that those four years of work has paid off.

"Thanks Tony." He says quietly.

"But 'ey, what are you gonna do once the guys caught?" he says trying to lighten the mood, "Get a life and get a girl or find a new case?" he jokes yet again. Vince stifles a small chuckle now.

"Not quite sure about that yet." He says to both himself and Tony.

"This is it here, right?" he says pointing at the large white building, Tony nods at him. He pulls in and continues to drive through until he gets to the deserted back parking lot. Patrol cars are parked all over and he can see the camera's flashing at the crime scene.

He gets out of the car and into the rainy depths of Seattle now, it hadn't been raining when he left the station but now it's seems to be pouring pretty well. He approaches the scene cautiously, bracing himself for what he was about to see. He stealthily slips under the yellow tape surrounding the area and is greeted by Chet, the main crime scene guy for the PD.

"Well, there's most definitely signs of struggle, we found these cloths out here and there a blood trail from outside to in here." He pulls out the blood covered jacket now and Vince internally winces. The ripped up brown cotton tea shirt and blue panties in zip lock bags make him want to go kill the guy now, his fists clench in anger at what at done to the girl.

"Where are her pants?" he questions.

"We think she managed to slip them back on before she drug herself into the back exit again." He explains.

"Has she been spoken too?"

"She hasn't said a word even while they were examining her, but the guy who found her said she had on her bra and her jeans and was huddled in the corner of the janitor's closet." Vince nods.

"Are they done with her, and how bad of shape is she in?" he questions.

"They're done with the pictures of her injuries and they should be finishing up with the rape kit now, I think she's a sleep though due to the blood loss their giving her a transfusion, she had a gash on the back of her head where she lost most of the blood, a concussion, dislocated shoulder, broken ribs, and cuts and bruises all over." He says grimly. "Physically she should recover but, she hasn't even said a word yet, I don't know if that's due to the shock or if she's just completely checked out mentally." He admits.

Vince nods at him and makes his way over toward the huge red blood stain on the tan concrete. He follows the trial and feels even more pity for the girl as he continues to walk down the long dark hallway. She'd most definitely drug herself, as beat up as she was, down the hallway and into the janitor's small office.

He continues on into the actual hospital now, the flight of stairs greets him as he goes up them toward the ER, where she was undoubtedly being treated for the injuries she's acquired at this very moment.

The buzz of the lively hospital floor takes him aback. He's admittedly never been to a hospital before in his life, he never really expected it to be so… busy, people were supposed to be relaxing and healing here, yet it's truly on of the most busy places he's ever seen. He chuckles slightly at the irony as he continues to walk toward the center of the madness.

The seven uniform officer's taking statements all nod at him respectfully and bode him silent congratulations on the break through. The kind face of Rita meets him as he continues to walk through the bustle.

She offers him a sad smile, her white teeth contrast greatly against her tan skin tone. "I finished the rape kit about twenty minutes ago, they moved her over to room 1822, over in a private wing of the hospital." She explains as they stop to meet one another at the round desk in the "nucleus" of the white washed area.

"Thanks" he says dumb-struck, he doesn't even really know what to say…

"Listen, she's pretty beat up and traumatized it's probably a better idea to interview her tomorrow." She says lightly, almost pleading with him.

"I'd love to but you know I have to interview as soon as I possibly can, if I want to arrest the guy I have to get her description of him, not to mention her account." He says a bit more coolly than he wants to.

"Ok, fine." She says walking away now, he sighs and shrugs his shoulders yet again. He gazes up at each room as he walks and catches a small group standing outside the room at the end. A petite Asian woman, a shorter guy with brown hair, an athletic looking guy with dark hair, a tall model- like blonde, a girl with shorter dark red hair who looks like she's lost, and finally a man about his height with dark hair who's pacing nervously back and forth.

He can see the tension in the group and wonders which ones- if not all are her family, brothers and sisters perhaps? He finds himself curious of the large group outside her room. The tall, thin man with dark hair stares at him now, like a guard dog or something; obviously this one's her husband…

"You can't interview her right now she needs her rest." Another voice says defensively from off to the side, an older black man greets him now, "Richard Webber, Chief of surgery." He says extending his hand out to the Vince.

"Vince Ryan, leading detective on the case." He says shaking his hand in return, "and I really need to interview her, it's essential that I get the information I need." He says trying to sound polite.

"She doesn't need anyone interviewing now." the dark haired man cuts in sharply.

"I know she's just been through something traumatic but I need to do my job and talk to her."

"Dude, I swear to god, if you don't leave her alone I'll kick your ass!" the shorter athletic looking one cuts in viciously stepping toward him now. Webber puts his hand against the man's chest, almost as if telling him to back down.

"I'm sorry Mr. Ryan but she's on heavy painkillers and sedatives right now so she can get some rest, medically speaking she's not strong enough to talk to or deal with much of anyone or anything right now." he says motioning for the man to leave. "But I suppose since Derek was the one who found her, you'd want to interview him?" he questions.

"Yes that would be helpful." He says deciding not to fight them about talking to the girl now. The dark haired man steps forward now, he looks like someone kicked his puppy, beaten, broken.

"Derek Shepherd." He says quietly extending his hand.

"You can both go to the conference room over there." He says motioning to the larger room on the left. Vince nods at him and walks toward it, Derek follows. They take their seats now and the anxiety builds in Derek's system.

"So you're the one who found her then?" he questions. Derek nods lightly as the memory of her broken, beaten figure replays in his mind.

"OK, first off what is your relationship with the victim?" he questions.

"Meredith." He says sharply, Vince shoots up from his note pad now and gazes at him, "Her name is Meredith." Derek says with increased clarity, she wasn't just some victim she was Meredith… _his Meredith._

"I uh- so what was your relationship with Meredith?" he repeats. Derek freezes for a moment in panic.

"Meredith and I, we… it's really complicated." He says swallowing hard now. "We… we're kind of on-again-off-again so to speak, but I guess right now we're sort of… friends." He says still choking back tears like he has been for the past two hours since he found her.

"Ok, so how exactly did you know she was missing then?" he questions.

"My friend Mark and I were leaving and I noticed her jeep still outside the hospital."

"Ok, so it wasn't supposed to be out there then?" he questions

"No, she'd gotten off hours ago and shouldn't still be here."

"OK, so then you both went to look for her then?"

"Yes, I had Mark go look for her at the bar across the street then I went inside to look for her. I checked in the on-call rooms, the OR, the ER, the Skills Lab, the library, then I remembered she sometimes sleeps in the tunnels in the back." He says as his voice breaks slightly. "I could just feel that there was something wrong so I took the back exit outside and found her duffel back thrown against the wall. So then I kept walking until I found a clump of her hair and her clothes with a lot of blood on the ground." He says wincing at the flashes of memory hitting him.

_The bloody jacket, torn up tee shirt and panties, all the blood on the ground._

"So you followed the trail of blood then?"

"Yes I followed it until it ended at the janitor's office." He says as his Adam's apple bobs and he hold back a moan and tears.

"Then you found her." He states.

"Then I found her… she was… bleeding a lot in the corner of the room curled up. So then I checked to see if she was still alive and she was so I woke her up for a minute and carried her over to the ER." He says as the tears finally make peak out of the corners of his eyes and the burning sensation in throat intensifies.

The memory of the horrible sight haunts him as he desperately tries to push it out of his mind like he did when he was twelve and he saw his father being shot right in front of his vey eyes and then dying. The fear, dark, and distraught feelings clouding him over take him and suddenly he's twelve again, and his father is dying right in front of him again as he desperately holds his little sister back and keeps his safe and quite with him.

"Ok that's really all I need." Vince says breaking his trance, Derek nods at him and rushes out of the conference room as he wipes his eyes before rejoining the crowd of people outside the small room.

* * *

><p>To Meredith Grey the world is a blur, still spinning round and round like the carousel she was on the day Richard Webber left her mother there in hysterics; the dull pain within slowly starts to become harsher. Like quick sand slowly pulling her under until she can't escape it. The drowsiness lowers her sensations making her unaware of the world.<p>

She's dazed, still in shock from what exactly just happened to her outside the hospital. She can smell him as he carries her; she inhales the wonderful scent and slowly feels safer than she had just minutes ago. She nuzzles into his warmth and she feels him tighten his grip on her. As she turns her head towards his chest and lies against it, her half closed eyes see the indigo fabric of his sweater and wonder where his jacket went.

It finally occurs to her moments later that he'd given it to her, which is why she feels so much warmer than she previously had. He walks with her and she can hear him lightly crying. She wants to say something, to comfort him, but she can't, it's like she's frozen: she can't speak, can't move, can't feel.

She feels like someone dropped a weight one her as her eyelids droop even further down, why is it so hard for her to stay awake? Her exhaustion peaks and the shaking starts, she's jolted awake by the force.

"Meredith you have to stay awake, ok? Stay awake for me Meredith and you'll be fine." She hears his voice whisper softly in her ear. She blinks rapidly, trying to will herself into what Derek wanted her to do, she knows she has to do listen to him, no matter how out of it she is. So she forces her eyes open.

She sees the walls zoom by her and they make her dizzier than she was previously, she inhales deeply and feels Derek's grip on her tighten. She soon recognizes the tunnels where she and her friends spend a great deal of their time.

The bright lights of the hospital hurt her eyes, she barriers her face into Derek's chest to escape them. All the noise and rushing around of the ER feels intensified to her, she's never really noticed just how noisy this place was or how many people were whirling around it. She can't see them but she can feel them all zoom by her and Derek.

"Derek! Get her on a gurney!" she hears the familiar voice of Richard Webber bark angrily. She can feel Derek start to lower but instinctively she wraps her arms around Derek's neck tighter.

"Mer, you're going to be ok, just go with Richard and Bailey." He says as their eyes meet. He feels sickly as he sees the lack of anything in her eyes, they look dead to him, no twinkle, no cloudy haze, not even fear illuminates them they look blank. She releases and feels the pillow meet the back of her head; it quickly starts to be stained with sticky, hot, red, liquid.

She hears the blinds whip to a close on all sides surrounding the trauma room.

"Ok, her heads going to need to be stitched up, Mark has 10 units of AB- ready, and I'll have Torres come in and look at her arm." Bailey says calmly as Richard paces around the room. She flashes a light in Meredith's lifeless eyes now, "Her pupils are equal and pretty reactive, Derek said he thinks she may have vomited while in the room so it's most likely a concussion but I'll have a head CT scheduled for later just to make sure it's nothing more", the chief doesn't even seem to be paying attention to her words and she rests her hand on his shoulder to catch his attention, he nods at her solemnly. "Ok Meredith, you have to sit up for me, ok?"

Meredith's slow for a moment, trying to comprehend what her resident's just said to her. It's like her mind and her body has disconnected, she has no control. After the extra seconds it takes to register she feels Bailey helping her sit up. She winces from the pain shooting through her ribs.

"Ok, little pinch Meredith." Bailey says soothingly as she sticks the needle into Meredith's head, she's taken aback when Meredith doesn't even flinch or anything, most patients have _some_ reaction to the needle but Meredith doesn't even seem to feel it.

She carefully stitches Meredith's head, as she thoroughly cleans out the wound. Callie Torres checks out her shoulder, "Ok, she's dislocated it so when you done stitching up her head I'm going to have to reset it." Bailey nods at her now.

When the nurse named Debbie sticks her with the IV, Meredith continues to stay numb, away from the world around her. It's like she's high, unaware of her surroundings, in her own world in a sense.

"Alright, the AB is hung." The strawberry blonde woman says she stares at the three doctors for a moment, expecting some information out of them; she widens her eyes now slightly, indicating for them to speak.

"Can I help you with something Debbie?" the chief says forcefully, she jumps back.

"No sir, I just wanted to know what happened." She murmurs.

"It's none of your damn business what happened, all you need to know is she's hurt and we're fixing her, now please get out we no longer need you." She scrambles out of the room.

The slamming of the door an unknown amount of minutes later makes Meredith wince. The team of forensic people makes their appearance.

"This is the victim?"

"Yes, this is Meredith." Callie responds as both the chief and Bailey stiffen at the word victim used by the monotone voice of the man. Meredith continues to block out the world like she always does when bad things happen. It's her way of coping so to speak.

The team gets to work and Meredith's irises catch the bright flashing of the camera, like a firework lighting up the night sky on the fourth of July, except these fireworks aren't a safe distance away, there blowing up right in her face. The flashes bring her out of her trance and back into focus.

_Why is there flashing?_

She thinks, though the words won't come out of her mouth. The clicking noise of the camera is continuous.

Click, flash. Click, flash. Click, flash. Click, flash. Click, flash. Click, flash.

She closes her eyes with each harsh flash as they take pictures of her like she's in a museum on display. She winces occasionally as they take samples from her. From her hair, under her finger nails, from her skin. She finally realizes that Bailey's stitching her up in the presence of all this.

The people whom she doesn't at all recognize continue to take pictures, and samples, and try to question her. Their mouths are moving but she can't hear the words exiting them. Meredith Grey is unresponsive.

"Meredith, I'm going to do a rape kit now and set you up with and HIV cocktail and a morning after pill, ok?" Rita Garciez says kindly to Meredith hoping for some kind of response.

"Meredith, ok?" Bailey cuts in¸ Meredith finds the strength to nod, finally confirming she can still comprehend the English language.

Once the painkillers finally set in, Meredith Grey finally falls asleep and away from all the attention and the chaos around her.

She doesn't stay awake for the rape kit, she doesn't stay awake while they pop her shoulder back into place and set her in a sling, she doesn't know that the man had cut her across her stomach and she needed twelve stitches, and she most certainly doesn't know even with Mark Sloan's best work the jagged gash across her cheek will still scar.

* * *

><p>Derek Shepherd feels hot and sticky despite the chill of March weather in Seattle. He can feel himself becoming more and more nauseous. The tight feeling in his mouth, the queasy shaky feeling throughout his whole body, and his uneasy stomach all but bring him to the ground.<p>

He leans against the cold sterile wall of the hospital for support. He slides down it as his sweater slides up his back the more he slides downward. He lays his head back against it but quickly rests it against his clenched fist resting on top of his pull up knees.

He exhales, trying to process exactly what's just happened. He wishes that he's dreaming. He wishes he'd wake up and he and Meredith would still be together, that Meredith never drowned, and most importantly his Meredith was never raped.

He takes these moments to regain his courage, to put on the brave face he knows Meredith will need him to put on. He knows she'll try to push him away, but he also knows as hard as she'll try there's no way in hell he's ever letting her do so.

He was going to be there for Meredith Grey, like he promised her he always would be back when they were happy.

"_You yelled at me and then you left." _

"_Meredith, I was being a jerk boyfriends do that sometimes, but this is the part where I say I'm sorry and we make up because Meredith I'm always going to be there."_

He stands up from where he's sitting now and gains the strength to walk back over by her friends. He spots Cristina Yang walking quickly, her eyes only focused straight ahead of her, like a robot programed for one specific thing.

"Cristina" she sighs, he's the last person she wants to see or deal with right now, "Where are you going?" he questions, grabbing her arm now and pulling her off to the side.

"I-I can't deal with this right now I just, I have to go." She says finally holding back the flood of emotions she just wants to release.

"Your seriously leaving." He says staring at her now, she feels uncomfortable, being ridiculed by the perfect Derek Shepherd.

"Come down from your high horse and mind your own damn business!" she says angrily biting back at him now.

"I'm not about to mind my own damn business right now because Meredith needs you!" he yells now as the entire hospital staff turns to watch the drama unfolding in front of them.

"If I remember correctly, Meredith's needed you a bunch of times and you left her. _I've_ always been there even when you weren't so you don't get to tell me that I need to stay and that Meredith needs me." Derek finds himself at a loss for words; he had left her, that painful detail he knows all too well.

Cristina Yang uses the opportunity presented to her to run. She can't deal with this, she knows that. Meredith needs someone who can handle it and she tells herself that it's not her nor is it Shepherd. Her friend is undoubtedly broken and she doesn't want to stick around and witness the shell that was once Meredith Grey. That painful outcome is one that's too much for her to handle. So Cristina Yang flees, because she honestly has no idea what to do and that scares her more than anything because from the age of ten, Cristina Yang has always known what to do, how to handle a situation, and most importantly, how not to get overly emotional about anything.

When Derek rejoins the crowd of people outside her room the mood is dark. No one speaks, because no one really knows what to say. So, no matter how out of character for some of them, they remain silent, mourning the unfortunate circumstances of their friend.

"Can we see her?" George O'Malley finally asks Richard Webber, breaking the silence falling over the room.

"She'll be asleep for a while and she's been through a lot I think what she needs is rest."

"With all due respect sir, we're all here to see Mer, and if she's sedated anyway I really don't think having people in the room with her is gonna do anything." Alex cuts in agitated. The chief simply nods at him understanding that the people all surrounding her room; Alex Karev, Izzie Stevens, George O'Malley, Lexie Grey, and Derek Shepherd are truly her family.

When Derek Shepherd enters the dimly lit room all the people entering with him seem to disappear, they're no longer even relevant to his train of thought. She looks smaller than usual, wrapped in a thick heavy blue blanket that seems to consume her like a black hole. There's a sling around her shoulder, no doubt from the dislocation. She's pail from the blood loss, and blue from the slight hypothermia she experienced from laying out in the cold.

The bag of bright red blood on the metal pole above her transfers the blood that she so desperately needs back into her body. The bandage across her cheek stretches about three inches, covering the nasty laceration she received from a jagged knife. He takes hold of her hand and it feels like ice.

He remembers the day she almost drowned and shudders. She was cold that day too; he almost lost her that day like he did once again this day.

_Why her?_

He thinks, wishing that it was he who was mugged in the parking lot, or hit by a car, or something that would take the place of the universe doing this to her.

Derek Shepherd has always been an optimist, despite the horror that occurred in his childhood he always manages to see the upside in every situation. He believes in magic, and soul mates, and the happily ever after at the end of all the little fairy tales your parents read to you when you're little, but in this situation, it seems the universe may have finally broken his sense of optimism.

In this moment he realizes how truly horrible of a place the world is. He hates the man who did this to her with his entire being. He wants the man to suffer, and for Derek Shepherd, wanting to harm another individual has never crossed his mind except for when he was twelve years old and those man shot his father, he wanted to kill those men but he was helpless and this case, seeing the love of his life lay there after what a man did to her, he feels helpless, and that, the helpless feeling of not being able to do anything, that, makes him lose all hope.


	3. Chapter 3

**Ok, so here is you're update! I've been working on it for a while and I'm starting on the next one ASAP. But please R&R reviews motivate me, and again thank you to all of you that are reviewing! Enjoy (:.**

* * *

><p>Sex, for Meredith Grey has always been a release. Whenever something went wrong in her life or whenever she was just bored, sex always seemed to be her outlet. When she was stressed out there was nothing like a good round of hot, nasty sex to relax her. Ever since she took her first venture with it, she's been hooked.<p>

For most woman sex is something that a man has to work for, something you should share with "the right guy", but for her it's something she enjoys perhaps more than the man enjoys it.

* * *

><p><em>Boston, 1995.<em>

_Meredith Grey likes to hide behind makeup. She covers her eyes with thick black mascara, and black eye liner to shed off the people she desperately wants to break away from. She thinks that being a rebel is better than being like everyone else in the world. She knows she's above these the rest of the stupid immature kids that go to school with her. All the childish games her fellow classmates took place in, all the varsity sports and bimbo cheerleader girls, just didn't appeal to her like it did the rest of them._

_The warm June air sweeps in her window as she stands in front of the bathroom mirror in nothing more than her black bra and matching panties. The final days of her Sophomore year in high school are coming to an end and she's thankful for that. Two more years and she's finally free from the world that is high school._

_She wets a wash cloth now and wipes away all the layers of makeup she hides behinds. Her eyes slowly become clear again, her lashes are still thick and black, even without the mascara as her aqua eyes reflect brightly back at her in the mirror._

_The swift ringing of her phone makes her jump, she knows it's not her mother calling at midnight, who would be calling her?_

"_Hello." She says confused._

"_Meredith." The voice of Paul chimes on the other side of the line, "You left your jacket at my house… do you want me to bring it over?" he sounds hopeful, like he always does when he talks to her, like a lost dog hoping for a bone._

"_It can wait till tomorrow if you want, or you can bring it over, I don't really care." She says, "But will your parents let you out this late?" she questions, knowing he has an overprotective mother who really doesn't seem to like her much at all._

"_There in bed, I'll be over in like ten minutes, just let me get dressed." He says joyfully. She sighs, and finds herself wishing he would get over her, he'd been her neighbor since she was eight years old now so they've known each other forever._

_She remembers bossing him around while they played outside for years. She remembers telling him how to kiss the first time they kissed. He was her first kiss at the ripe age of twelve. Paul Waxman was the first boy she ever kissed, the only boy she ever kissed. She's was pretty, but not in a big-breasted blonde cheerleader kind of way, she was more of a pretty faced little dancer. She's skinny, barely hitting the one hundred pound mark, like her mother she's always been slender. She looks young for her age, which is another reason she hides behind all the makeup it makes her look older, she hates being told she that she looks like she's twelve rather than sixteen._

_She's pretty, just not as pretty as the cheerleaders and Brittney Spears wannabes at her school. She tugs at her bright pink locks, releasing them from the scrunchie that was confining the wavy locks. They fall to her shoulders now, big with luscious volume._

_She walks back into her room and takes off her bra, she replaces a white tank top above it that goes down just past the bottom of her panties. She wishes she had big boobs, she'd look older if her boobs were big. Paul Waxman crosses her mind, he's liked her from the age of eight, she knows that._

_Paul was previously one of those kids who was way too short for his age, skinny; maybe skinnier than her, his nose stuck out awkwardly; too big for his face, and thick glasses took up most of his face. He's changed over the past year, he's grown about seven inches, putting him at about 5'8". He's a runner so his previously boy-like thinness has transformed into tone muscle, he's lean like a swimmer now. He also lost the glasses and got contacts, his dark blue-grey irises are no longer hidden by the ocean of thick, black frames and thick lenses. _

_He's popular with the girls now, his looks have definitely improved since freshman year. He falls in love very easily, he's easily had ten girlfriends this year but she knows he still liked her while he dated them._

"_Death?" she hears him call from the hallway. Crap, she realizes she should put some more clothes on, then it dawns on her, she doesn't want to be a virgin anymore. She wants sex, and she knows he'll have it with her._

"_Hold on, just sit on the bed for minute I'll be right in." she says as she checks her appearance. She walks into the darkness of her room now and sees him sitting there. He spots her and his breath hitches in his chest._

"_Meredi-"his voice cuts off in shock, "What are you doing?" he questions. She smirks at him, a crooked smile at his utter shock. "I thought you said you didn't need a boyfriend." He says still glued to her bed in shock._

"_I don't." she replies shortly._

"_Then you shouldn't wear that in front of me." he says, hiding his erection with her little black jacket._

"_Why not?" she replies innocently teasing him._

"_Because… I-I, it makes me wish you were." He says._

"_Paul, have you ever had sex?" she questions, he gulps at the thought of having sex with her._

"_No." he admits, though he's had enough girlfriends._

"_Me either." She says still grinning at him; she tugs up at the bottom of her tank top._

"_Meredith what are you doing?" he questions breathlessly as she lifts it over her head, exposing her almost naked body, she has nothing more than a pair of flimsy black panties on now._

"_I don't wanna be a virgin anymore." She says, her eyes twinkling with excitement, her heart races, thudding noisily in her ears, she' s actually going to do this._

"_Are you sure?" he questions, still in awe of her. She nods and walks over to him now, she gets on top of him with her legs spread out, each knee gripping around his hips, he grabs them and his erection grows harder and longer, she grins at the feel of it. She kisses him lightly at first, each one grows with magnitude until his tongue darts into her mouth._

_He groans as they kiss and she undoes his belt buckle, his pants fall to his ankles now and he struggles to kick them off. They finally fly across the room form the force of his leg kicking them off. She pulls down his boxers and they too fall to a heap on the floor. His erection pokes her in the stomach now, she continues to kiss him but helps him get his shirt off over his shoulders, his six-pack, perfectly tone abs are exposed now, she works her way down subtly until she reaches his penis._

_The size takes her aback, she never thought he'd be that big. She kisses him on the head and works her way down his shaft, then back up. He moans with pleasure and she takes her hand around his length, repeatedly stroking and cupping with one hand, while gripping with the other. He groaning continues when she stops, confused for a moment as to where to go next, he doesn't care though, he lets out a final satisfied moan and she can feel his cumming on her leg, it's hot and sticky, like him. _

_He passionately darts his tongue back into her mouth and slips off her panties as she kneels opposite to him on the bed now, his fingers plunge into her warm depths, she moans now amazed at the feeling. He strokes her clitoris, fast, alternating between softly and harshly. She feels immense pleasure like she's never felt before, it feels simply amazing to her and any tiny regrets she had about doing this leave her._

_She feels herself building, more and more as he continues. It bends her mind, sending her into a whole new place. She climaxes for the first time, her breathing is heavy._

"_Do it" she whispers in his ear as she pants. He finally sticks his penis in, it hurts as he thrusts into her, she lets out a slight whimper, but nothing more. She feels a pinching like sensation, but nothing like the pain they'd described to them at the sex Ed. Classes. _

_He continues to thrust and the minutes stretch, the sensation slowly becomes more pleasurable than painful for her. She feels herself climax, the feeling is unreal to her, mind bending, sensational, she likes sex. It makes her feel great, like she never has before. _

_Both of them lay there for a moment, breathing heavily. _

"_Thanks." He says breathlessly, expecting to wake up from a dream._

"_Uh- thank you, that was pretty… that good." She says suddenly feeling the need to pull the covers over her naked body. He stares at her for a moment, she pretends not to notice._

"_Yeah, I mean we could-uh, do it again sometime?" he sounds unsure of himself, hoping she'll say yes._

"_We could do it again sometime." She repeats, why not, it was good…_

"_Crap, I gotta go… we have school in like three hours…" he says shooting up like a rocket. It's not like she has to worry, she's not going anyway, once the finals are over she thinks it pointless to take part in the last day of school fun day, what was the point of high school kids playing stupid games all day anyway?_

_She waves goodbye as he rushes out her door. She thinks about what she's just done. He probably should have used a condom, she should have thought ahead, maybe not be so rash in her decision making, she has a habit of saying and doing things she regrets right when she does them. But in this case the risk was worth it because the sex was great and hey, if she got pregnant maybe her mother would notice her for once._

* * *

><p>Her entire body throbs as she wakes up. The aftermath of her injuries takes its full effect now that the adrenaline, drugs and some of the shock has worn off. The dim light coming from her window illuminates her slightly, it's orangish like the sun is either just rising or falling, which one she's not awake enough yet to know.<p>

The gunk under her eyelashes indicates to her that she's been out for a while now, how long? She's dumb for a moment as to what exactly happened, when her mind finally processes the horrible memory, she wishes that she's forgotten it right away, she wishes she could forget his dark brown eyes, and just as sharp eyebrows, they looked like shark eyes; fierce, cold, cruel. It scared her when they burrowed into her. His voice…

"_Shut up you little bitch!" _

She can hear him sneer all to clearly as he hits her face with something sharp, she thought it was a fist but as her hand slowly touches the bandage over her entire cheek she realizes he must have used a knife, hot tears prick her eyes

_What if her entire face is cut up and she'll scar all over._

She knows it's vain of her and that she should be happy to be alive but the thought the attack being written all over her face still makes her tear up. Who would love her if her face was damaged? Her drugged up head whirls with all the possibilities and all the injuries she may have received.

The background noise slowly becomes more apparent to her, she's sore, like rigor mortis has set in on her body only she's pretty positive she's not dead, death wouldn't be this uncomfortable, it wasn't the last time she'd experienced it after the Ferry incident.

She hears a loud pig like noise, snoring? It dawns on her that she's not the only person in the room, she painfully turns her head as her stiff neck protests, she sees him now, hunched over the side of the bedding. His soft hair and cheek lay against her arm, like he's using her as a pillow. She can tell, even in her haze that he's beat down, exhausted even. She knows he worried about her and probably still is.

His face shows no worry though due to the peaceful slumber currently consuming him. His eyes are closed, hiding his blue irises as his lengthy, dark lashes swoop down to his cheek bones. Something wet hits her collar bone and she realizes it's a tear drop, she's crying. The realization takes her aback, she doesn't really cry… but this… what happened, it entitles someone to being able to cry, right? It's normal to cry after something like this happens.

She discovers where the snoring noise is coming from, she sees Alex sprawled out on the couch, he looks dead, Izzie is hunched over in a chair laying her head on George who is in the one next to her. She also sees Lexie… what is Lexie doing here, the sister she barely knows is hear yet her person isn't, she figures Cristina must be somewhere or maybe it's too much for her to handle, Meredith knows she'll be even more broken now, whether she'd like to admit it or not, people don't always feel like saving the people who are broken. They all have careers to think about. She doesn't want to get in the way of anyone's career or waist anyone's life.

"Hey, it's ok." His voice cuts in interrupting her thoughts as he lightly wipes away her tears. She stares at him now for a moment, she wants to speak but she's too inside her head, she feels like there's something obstructing her voice box or she's forgotten how. He exhales, knowing her all to well. "You've been a sleep for about two days straight now and it's about five o'clock in the morning, Mer, you're pretty beat up but you're going to be ok." He says, he somehow knows she doesn't want to speak, when bad things happen she doesn't talk, he knows this about her.

She feels great full that he knows this about her; that he understands why she isn't talking, she shuts herself away from the world, that's what she likes to do. She suddenly feels tired again, like she can't stay awake for one more second from the exhaustion. Her eye lids droop and the room becomes a blur along with a concerned and upset Derek. She feels peaceful when she sleeps, she doesn't have to deal with what's happened.

* * *

><p><em>Boston, October 11, 1996 <em>

"_Whore!" someone coughs as she walks past them, she rolls her eyes, so she likes sex, since when does that make her a whore. She pretends like it doesn't phase her but it gets to her, the fact that people who don't even know her call her a slut bothers her._

_The group of girls surrounding the asshole who did all laugh, looking at her like she's some kind of object on display. She glares at the people all surrounding the big dumb jock kid._

"_Jesus freaks." She replies under her breath. _

"_What did you just call me?" the bitch calls to her, sounding like one of those cliché stupid bimbos you see in all the high school movies. Meredith grins cockily at her, bitch… _

"_I said what did you just call me you little freak?" the girl says louder this time, nearing Meredith, the girl's taller than her by at least four inches, Meredith looks up at her now._

"_I said that prude little Jesus freaks like you should keep your mouth shut because it's not like you're getting any!" she says angrily now, she's shocked at what just came out of her mouth._

_The girl lunges at her now and she freezes, she cannot win in a fight, she knows this. She's a little Boston scrapper but, winning in a physical fist fight, even with it's with a cheerleader or not, is highly unlikely for a girl who just barely tips the scales at 100lbs on a heavy day._

_Luckily for her she's quick, she knows she's the underdog but maybe her size can be used to her advantage. She dodges the girl, she hears her slam into the lockers with force and people begin to laugh, she can feel herself being slapped now hard across the face, her hand flies to her face, she's stunned for a moment._

_The anger ignites the flame underneath her and she fights back. She flies at the girl, tackling her into a set of locker adjacent to them. The girl whimpers and Meredith feels her fists digging into her._

_Everyone's yelling but she doesn't care, she just keeps hitting, it's like someone just set her off and now she can't be stopped, the slight impacts coming back at her from the girls slaps sting but she just keeps fighting._

"_Meredith stop!" she hears him yell at her._

_She can feel his warm hands gripping around her waist now and she swings her arms and legs wildly, begging him to let her loose. He pulls her away from the fight and around the corner now._

"_What the hell Meredith? You know you're about to get suspended, right?" he questions. She nods at him._

"_It was worth it then, to lay my fists in to that little bitch." She says, her cheeks still hot with anger._

"_What the hell happened here?" the voice of her assistant principle cuts in, she slides down the side of the lockers now, suddenly feeling less brave than she had previously._

* * *

><p>Slowly the ugly yellow hallways of her old high school fade away from her thoughts and the voices of the people in the room with her are heard more clearly, it's been two days since she'd woken up for the first time and when she's not forced to get up she finds herself sleeping more and more, she likes sleeping like she used to like sex. She keeps her eyes closed for a moment, listening to the people in the room.<p>

"Dude, she's done, she hasn't spoken in three days, not one word." Alex cuts in snidely.

"Alex! She was just…. She's been through a major trauma for god sakes!" Izzie says defensively.

"I think we should admit her to psych." Richard cuts in stressed.

"Please, Richard we are not admitting her to psych!" Derek says, his voice tarnished with anger and agitation.

"Derek, she hasn't talked to the police, hasn't told us her pain level, hasn't talked to psych, she hasn't talked to anyone." Richard says, "She needs to be admitted." He says defeatedly. Meredith's heart sinks for a moment, she didn't want to be admitted, but she didn't want to talk either.

"Please Richard, I know Meredith Grey, this is her processing what's happened. She shuts out the world and doesn't talk when bad things happen to her, let me take her home, I'll stay with her and I know she'll come around." He says pleading in desperation, Meredith feels slightly guilty that poor Derek is pleading on behalf of her.

"Fine, see if it works you way, but only because I don't want her being shipped off to psych, we'll discharge her tomorrow." He says.

"Thank you." Derek replies.

She's unresponsive, she knows this, she knows that it's normal to not talk. She also feels as though she can't, the quiet makes her feel safe, if she doesn't have to talk to anyone then she can't break down, or complicate anything.

Against her nature she thinks about being a psych patient for a moment, maybe it would be better for her if she was. She wouldn't be stuck dealing with anyone. She keeps her eyes closed, looking for an excuse to stay quiet.

"It's not normal for her to sleep this much." The hushed voice of George finally kicks in since Derek and Richard left the room.

"I know, which is why I think Shepherd is an idiot for bringing her home, I hate that guy." Alex scoffs, he hates George though too.

"Oh come on guys just give her time, she'll come around." Izzie adds, of course she's optimistic about everything.

"Grow up Izzie! She's done, broken, crazy, the rest of her life is going to consist of her on enough anti-psychotics to put out an elephant!" Alex says angrily.

"Alex!" George says defensively, "If all you're going to do is talk about how Meredith's going to go crazy you should leave like Yang did." George says, Meredith processes this for a moment, her friends think she won't even be normal again…. and Cristina… Cristina is _gone_. Where the hell is Cristina?

"I'm sorry." Alex says quieter now, "I just… Meredith… bad crap always happens to her and I just… how much can one girl take?" he says exasperated.

"Alex, it's ok, we're all on edge." Izzie says comforting him now. "We just gotta hope that Mer comes back from this, she's strong I think she can do it. I'm not giving up on her, Derek's sure as hell not giving up on her, and you guys need to not give up on her either." Izzie says, sounding wiser than usual.

"Where the hell is Yang anyway?" Alex asks almost disgusted.

"She's… no one even knows where she is…" Izzie says sadly.

"She bailed." George adds, "Meredith needs her and she bailed." George says.

Meredith realizes, her friends are there for her, she isn't alone though she feels like she is. She considers just waking up and talking or something but whenever she tries it's a different story, when she's awake she goes into her shell. Like a crap laying out on the beach whenever she senses danger she goes into her shell of silence for protection, and these days she senses danger whenever she's awake. Danger at what people will say to her, danger that she'll just break from it all, danger that she won't even know what to say.

Derek looks at Meredith as she sleeps, she looks peaceful. The bandage on her head is gone, the evidence that her head had even been bleeding profusely is hidden by her hair on the back of her head now. He watches her for a while longer, not wanting to wake her up and take her home. She stirs for a moment like she always does when her slumber becomes lighter, he sighs holding his breath in anticipation for her to wake, but she doesn't and his heart sinks, he doesn't want to be the bad guy that wakes her up, it sounds pathetic, but that's the last thing he wants to be. Being viewed as the enemy is too much for him.

He sighs when he realizes that he can no longer just let her sleep the entire day, it dawns on him that she has to get home and start to rebuild her life, whether she hates him for it or not. The thought of her hating him makes him anxious, can he really function knowing the woman he loves more than anyone in the world hates him? He contemplates this, though he already knows the answer to that question. He finally packs up the courage to wake her, even though he dreads seeing the death in her eyes, the lack of anything that used to be there. She has no spark, no mischeveous stupor, not even the small cinkles that appeared when she was happy surrounds her eyes, there just... blank. Her aqua upside down smiley faced eyes are blank and he doesn't know whether or not the light or anything for that matter, will ever be returned to them.

"Mer." he breathes quietly into her ear, she makes a small moaning noise, the one she always makes when she doesn't want to wake up, "Hey it's Derek, you gotta wake up so that I can take you home, okay?", she finally starts to pass the halfway haze she was in when she felt his warm breath against her cheek. She blinks rapidly as her eyes adjust to the light, she finally sees his face inches from her's. She sits up and dreads that he's the one taking her home. Mcdreamy; the perfect haired, absolutely handsome, chatty man was taking her home, he surely will just keep blabbing at her until she says something in return, which quite honestly she's not even sure if she can do that anymore, the silence is peaceful. When she doens't have to speak, she doesn't have to function as part of this screwed up worlds she's been forced to deal with. She doesn't have to talk about what happened to her or have conversations with people while they eye her with pitty because she's just no longer the same person she was before it happened. The good thing about the crazy girl who never talks, eventually people forget about her, and that is exactly what Meredith wants. She wants to be forgotten, if people forget her, then they forget that it ever happened to her.

Derek sighs even harder now, praying silently that she'll at least acknowledge what he's telling her. He'd worked hard to get Richard to let him take her home rather than admit her to psych; the last thing he wanted was for her to not even be there anymore. He needs Meredith in his life, even if she's not quite the same, he at least needs her talking, breathing, functioning. She slowly sits up now as he hands her the clothing he'd had Alex grab from her dresser back at the house.

"Meredith, I had Alex bring you these." he says placing them into her hand as she opens it, she lightly closes it around the clothes, he kisses her cheek and she closes her eyes for a moment taking in the wonderful feeling of his lips against her skin, "Meredith, do you want me to help you?" he questions, it's like she's no longer even apart of this world.

She doesn't budge so he takes her answer as a "yes", though she still won't say a word. He slowly pulls down the red pajama pants the nurses had put her in, gently sliding them down her legs. He feels deja vu, he's used to pulling her pants down but he knows this is much different, he's not pulling pants down to have sex with her or tease her, he's doing it because she can't even function enough to pull them down herself. His throat starts to burn and tighten, he swallows hard, fighting the urge to cry now. He slides the black knit pants up her legs, she has no reaction, she doesn't even move the slightest bit.

Derek has always been used to the sensation she would get at his touch. Other woman of course loved his touch but he could always feel Meredith's every reaction to his touch, he's always known where she likes to be touched. She'd get goose bump or her she would quiver ever so slightly depending on her mood the reaction her body was different, he loved this. He could always tell what mood she was in just by touching her, as much as she denied her feelings he knew how she felt.

This, he doesn't recognize this, the non reactive version of the petite blonde woman he's only loved more and more over the past three years he's known her. She's always been closed compared to most woman, but her reactions shed some light on to just exactly how she was feeling. When there's no reaction, he fears there's no feeling.

He strokes her thigh repetatively over the black knit pants he's put on her, he knows it's her favorite spot yet there is no reaction. He shutters for a moment and stares at her, praying that she'll twitch or shudder, hell even sneeze... a fucking sneeze would be appreciated right now rather than nothing.

"Meredith, can you please talk to me?" he questions, the desperation apparent in his voice, she tears up for a moment now, she's afraid so she blocks it all out. He cups his hands around her face and the faintest bit of sadness can be spotted in her eyes. He presses his lips to her forehead as he squates down in front of her, making him even with her forehead as she sits on the bed. He kisses it lightly and she small noise comes from the back of her throat, he continues to stare happy he got some kind of reaction, "Hey, you know what Meredith I know you're scared. What happened... it was..." he chokes now, and the burning in his throat stops him from saying the rest," It was bad Mer, so you can talk to me, when you're ready, you'll talk. But for now, I can just talk to you because I know you need someone to talk to." he says, she grabs his hand now, the first human motion she's made in days, he smiles at her, the happy- little kid finding presents under the tree lit up smile she loves. "Let's go home."

She stand next to him now and lowers back down into the wheel chair. He wheels her out thinking of the most strategic exit to take, one where she won't be seen, one that of course isn't the back entrence. He thinks for a moment and she can feel him hesitate as he pushes her around. It dawns on him finally, he can take the courtyard over to the parking lot, it's cold out so no one will be out in the yard. He detours his route cuts a sharp turn to the left avoiding all the nurses around the corner. He walks quickly now, his stride is more purposeful.

He exits out into the Courtyard and the still slightly chilled air of March hits the both of them. Meredith shivers lightly, though she's thankful Derek brought her a jacket because he knew she'd be cold outside. He of course is like a furnace, always warm. The damp smell hovers around Meredith's nostrils, she inhales the scent of the fresh outdoors, it's amazing how much nicer it smells when you've been locked in a sterile room for days. Inhaling the fresh air for her like when you take your head out from underneath a blanket; when the air goes from being warm, thin, and stale to being fresh and crisp, easy to breathe in.

She recognizes his giant Land Rover as they approach it, the car is familiar to her in truth she's always hated the car. It reminds of an ancient computer, space consuming and inefficient. For some reason though she's grown to sort of love it, in a weird way the car was Derek; safe, comfortable, flashy. When she'd first started dating him she never pegged him as a guy who drove a land Rover, though she never pegged him as a guy who lived in a Brown Stone and had a house in the Hamptons either.

She eyes the car now, wondering just how the hell she's going to get into it as she rises from her chair, Derek eys her in return as she looks at car with her head tilted sideways like she's thinking of a solution to the problem. "Don't worry, I'm going to help you." he says lightly. She grips the edge of door for support with the arm that's not in a sling, but he grabs her around her waist she whirls around and cringes in fear. Realization suddenly hits him, _she's afraid... of him._

She breathes heavily now, becoming louder with each breath sturggling to breathe now. The tears fall down her cheeks, and his heart tears open, he finds himself wishing like he has been for the past few days that he could find the man who did this to her and kill him. Slowly, Painfully, he wanted this man to suffer, rather he was a life saver or not, the man deserved to suffer. Bile rises in his throat as his anger becomes harder to contain. "Mer?" he says lightly, broken, he comes closer to her now as she sits on the edge of the car shaking uncontrolabely and breathing choppily and unevenly, "It's ok Mer, I'm sorry I scared you, I'll warn before I do that next time." he says gently soothing, the anger starts to seep out of him, he knows she needs him to sound as kind as possible and with anger in his system bitter hatred still rings in his voice though now towards her of course, but for now he lets the anger in his system go, like releasing an animal into the wild.

He touches her lightly and she flinches the slightest bit until her mind regesters that it's Derek touching her and Derek would never hurt her. She collects herself slowly and he slowly sits down next to her she looks at him apoligeticly and he softens his expression even more so, he knows she feels guitly when she has that look on her face, "Meredith, it's fine ok we can go home and you can get some rest." he says lightly, she nods and he helps her up gently helping her stand on her own two feet again.

She whips up to quickly though and the dizzy sensation takes over her, she leans against him for support and like always, he's there supporting her, saying things and supporting her. She leans against his strong chest and re-balances. He's perfect, how could she not want someone this perfect? Of course, why would he still want her now, she's even more damaged goods than she was before.

She's always been a girl with issues, now they're escalated. There's the abandonment issues, the daddy issues, the commitment issues, the avoiding thing and now this. Life always seems to deal her the crappy hand. She steadies herself out and he helps her up into the Land Rover. He closes the door and she sits in the seat, staring out into the parking lot in front of her. He pulls away from the hospital and she leans her head against the window, the cool glass cools her off and soothes her headache. She stares out at Seattle as it rushes by, she's always thought Seattle is pretty.

She goes off into her own little world and leaves Derek wondering again. He watches her and the road, alternating between every glance. He watches Meredith to see if she'll speak to him or if she's even in the same world as him and he watches the road so they don't crash of and die of course. He's concerned, what if she never functions again? The thought tortures him, he hates that she gets silent. He longs for her to open her mouth and cry or scream or just do something for Christ sake! She has to have some kind of reaction after whats happened. You can't just be quiet and fine, Meredith pretends to be fine but she's not fine in any way shape or form.

He remembers after her mother told her she was ordinary and useless at her, she was quite then. He remembers after she almost blew up, she was quiet then, he remembers after he left her, again she was quiet. He knows her mother must have taught her to react this way. She was always told that crying made you look weak, so instead of crying she goes silent.

The familiar down town area next to the water zooms by as he thinks, drives and looks at Meredith. She still hasn't moved from the spot she's been in. "Meredith?" he says getting her attention, "Do you want me to get something to eat?" he questions, breaking the tension. She shakes he head no and he's disappointed, the chances of her speaking were small but somehow he wishes for words every time he addreses her. She needs to eat as well. He just continues to drive through the city worrying about her.

* * *

><p>Derek walks up slowly to the apartment that used to belong to his friend Preston Burke but is now inhibited by his ex- fiance, Cristina Yang. It still baffles him how she can live there like Preston Burke never lived there. Though he understood their whole relationship at all and can't really blame the man for leaving her. He just doesn't like Cristina Yang, he tries hard because she's Meredith's person but she's rude to him, all the time. No matter how hard he tries to befriend her she's always his enemy.<p>

He lightly knocks on the door and dreads coming here. He knows it's for Meredith though and that he has to do it. Alex doesn't like her and Izzie and George are too scared too so it leaves him to do it. He wonders what's taking her so long to come to the door but he realizes she may not even be home. He stand there longer though, where else would she be? Callie opens the door and he jumps back a little, she's dressed in a tight black, short dress with high heels and a ton of makeup, like she's about to go out on a date.

"Derek?" she says surprised, "Uh what's going on?" she questions, emberrased.

"I'm here to see Cristina, is she here?" he questions.

"Oh yeah... she's in her room probably drunk but come on in." she says awkwardly, he steps into the spacious apartment and is taken aback at the sight,"Crap, sorry it's such a mess, I havn't had time to clean it and Cristina hasn't left in like five days so cleaning this is kinda pointless because she's like a wrecking crew."She explains exasperated. He nods and studies the room. The couches are littered with dirty clothing, the clutter piles high throughout. There's a vaccum cleaner against the wall, obviously Callie's been trying to clean up. The kitchen counters are covered with various envelopes and papers, Derek being kind of a neat freak shutters slightly at the sight. A full garbage bag sits in the corner filled up with take out boxes and old food, again most likely Callie's cleaning.

"It's fine, Mer always tells me she's a slob." he says not wanting poor Callie to be embarressed for her roomates utter disregard for cleaning. Callies chuckles for a moment, breaking the tension whe felt.

"How is Meredith doing?" she asks concerned.

"She's... she came home today but she's still not talking." he says woriedly.

"Meredith's a strong person, she'll get through it." she says trying to get him to be optimistic.

"Yeah, I really hope so." he says hopelessly.

"Well I have to go meet someone for drinks, but Cristina's room is the last door on the left." she says stepping out the door she turns back around for a moment and faces the man, "Derek, stay optastic I think Mer will pull through this." she says, he smiles appreciatively at her and with that she leaves the building, her shoes clomping as she walks. He stands here for a moment and goes over what he has to say to Cristina.

He's interuptted when she comes into the living room, "What are you doing here?" she questions almost disgusted to see him. She looks bad, her hair is a frizzy mess like she hasn't bothered to take care of it. She's in flannel pajamas small and pink, she reeks of alcohol she's drunk he can tell. Not to mention there's a half empty bottle of Vodka in her hand.

"I'm here to talk to you." he replies.

"You should leave."

"You should really help your room mate clean this place up." She scoffs.

"Seriously, why the hell are you hear?" she says bitterly.

"Meredith needs you." he says bluntly.

"We've already established that you don't get to tell me that Meredith needs me, _I _was there for her when you left her for your wife, _I've_ always been there for her. So you don't even get to tell me that I need to be there for Meredith!" she says snarling viciously.

"Yes Cristina, I know _you_ were there when I left her, I know that your her person, and I know I never may even compare to you but Cristina you aren't there for her now. She needs you and you abandoned her." he says about to tear up, he refrains, he's not about to tear up in front of Cristina Yang.

"Don't you even get it! She's gone Derek, Callie told me she hasn't even spoken in five days. Meredith Grey is not there anymore, sure she'll follow a task or nod when you ask her a question, but she's gone." she says bluntly, he shudders involuntarily.

"She needs you Cristina, you don't want to abandon her now. You know if the roles were reversed she'd never just abandon you, she'd make you talk. Even if she is gone Cristian, which i truly believe she's not, she needs you." he says lightly, realizing that this is hurting her too. Cristina stand there for a moment frozen. She can't deal with Meredith being gone, the one person she could always count on no matter what.

Derek leaves, hoping his words did something for Cristina, Meredith needs her.

Cristina drops her bottle of Vodka, her hands shake. A sob escapes from her throat and now that he's finally away from her she breaks. The tears pour out and she finally sobs, Meredith was raped. She viciously throws things around her apartment, thrashing out in anger. It's not fair that this happened to Meredith, she wishes in a way that it happened to her. Meredith does't deserve this. She continues now, throwing the shattered remains of the bottle at the wall and ripping apart the paper on the counter.

She reaches Burke's book collection and anger fires through her. She takes all the books banging them against things, ripping out pages, stomping on them. Finally it dawns on her, she takes them and thows them in the bathtub. She dashes out and searches for a match and finally finds one. She lights it and ignites them into flames. The books burn to ash and gray smoke rises above them. She collapses from exhaustion in a piled heap on the bathroom floor. Critina Yang finally releases her anger.


	4. Chapter 4

**So this chapter is where the story is really going to start to take off a little bit more, a lot more will branch off from this chapter. I've been working really hard to get updates out fast! But thank you to all of you that review, you motivate me to keep writing! But please R&R, Reviews make me happy.**

* * *

><p>The five days straight of rain finally subsided and the sunlight shines through the kitchen window as Meredith and Derek sit at the island. She stares at the sandwich sitting in front of her but nothing about it appeals to her. She contorts her face into a sneer. Derek eyes her for a moment, waiting for her to eat. He needs her to eat, it's her second day at home now and she still hasn't eaten more than half the grilled cheese sandwich that Alex had made her the night before. She hadn't slept either, which of course was his next goal. Every time she went to her bed he'd peek in and every time she'd been lying there staring at the ceiling.<p>

There's an awkward silence hanging over them that's been going on between the two of them ever since she came home, ever since it happened. She won't speak or react and he tells stories to try to get something out of her. He's desperate at this point to see something out of her. A smile, sobbing, he'd take a hiccup or a burp, something other than a blank stare out into nothing. He's anticipating the break, he knows Meredith well enough to know that she hides her emotions away but eventually there's always a breaking point. She bottles it all up until she finally cracks; he knows it's only a matter of time after what happened to her. By her silencing herself it's her going into the protective shell she's learned to create throughout the years.

When her dad left at the age of five, she put a shell around herself. When Ellis was never home, she put a shell around herself. She slept with all those men to protect herself from getting too attached. She'd even done it when he left her for his wife... he shudders at the thought; she'd done it though, got quiet when she was seemingly fine. The last time she got quiet she'd nearly drowned and that scares him, what if she pulls something drastic like that again? What if he can't save her this time? He winces at the memory of diving into the ice cold water and pulling her lifeless body out of it. She was cold, she wasn't breathing... she looked like a corpse; she sort of resembles a corpse now even.

He stares at her and hopes she'll eat the sandwich, he made her favorite. Just like he made her waffles for breakfast, unfortunately she didn't even touch those while he ate his cereal. Of course she's expressionless, it shouldn't be a shock to him but every time he sees her it makes him shudder and quake a little. He's desperate at this point. He sighs at her and attempts to get some reaction.

"Mer, are you gonna eat that?" he questions hopefully, "I can make u something else if you want anything you want." he's almost pleading with her now. She sighs lightly and bites into the sandwich the fresh wheat bread, crunchy lettuce, and turkey, bacon, and cheese combo shockingly appeals to her, she bites into it again and it finally sinks in how hungry she is, Derek stares at her. It shocks him that she's eating... eating a lot. She continues to eat, viciously tearing into the sandwich, Derek chuckles now, even smiles at little at her trying to fit the entire thing into her mouth at once.

She puts the sandwich down and an odd feeling ceases her. A laugh escapes her throat and the noise shocks her, she freezes and so does Derek, he stares at her for a moment in awe, she just made a noise for the first time in six days. She just freakin _laughed_, she didn't cry or scream, she _laughed. _Out of every noise she should appropriately be making she laughed. They sit there staring at each other, neither of them quite sure what to do or say.

Derek finally leans in closer and presses his lips to her forehead, she inhales and relaxes. He kisses her lightly and continues just kissing her everywhere... she did something other than sit there blankly. She closes her eyes as he continues to kiss her and images flash through her mind, suddenly _his_ face secludes her thoughts, she shudders. She remembers all the blood, struggling to move, him thrusting into her and hitting her, the taste of his irony blood in her mouth and Derek finding her in the corner of janitor's office.

Her throat seems to close up, like she's having an allergic reaction, she can't breathe all of the sudden, it scares her. Why can't she breathe? She inhales and exhales deeply, desperately trying to catch her breath but the memories won't go away, it's like the nightmares she's been having only she's awake and they're playing through her head right now. She feels the hot tears beginning to pour down her cheeks and she loses control of her emotions, the one's she's been holding back well for the past six days flood out. Derek breaks away from her suddenly, he cups her cheek, "Shh, Meredith, breathe. It's ok, you're ok just breathe for Me." he says calmly, soothing.

She tries to slow down her breathing but all she's sees is him and makes her panic all over again. She sees the blur that is Derek in front of her through the tears clouding her vision, and tries to focus on him. She's shaking violently; he pulls her into his chest now. It's like all the emotions attacked her at once, she was happy, then sad, then angry. "Meredith, it's ok, I got you." he whispers in her ear. She burries her head in closer and focuses on breathing, her head throbs all of the sudden from all the crying in such a little time.

Meredith Grey has never been a crier but usually she bottles things up until they become too much for her to handle. She's been bottling this up for a while now and now it's all exploding out uncontrollably. The tears simply won't cease as hard as she tries they just keep pouring out. She gulps for air against the soft cotton of his tee shirt; he rubs her back soothingly, not really knowing what else to do. It makes him feel helpless, he's her knight in shining... whatever, but in this particular situation he feels like one of the useless towns people just standing in the back ground in awe. He can't stop her from crying and it kills him.

"Meredith, you're gonna dehydrate!" he says hushed, the last things he needs is to dehydrate after all of this. She breathes deeply, hoping that it'll put an end to the tears; she has to dry out eventually, right? For now the tears keep flowing out of her uncontrollably.

"Derek, I-I can't stop." she says between frantic sobs, he moves in closer to her again and pulls her into him; he warms her up upon contact. The dark gray material of his sweater becomes soaked with tears within the next couple of seconds. He rubs her back soothingly, he acts calmly but he's panicked. He just wants her to stop and go back to being the way she always is, he wishes this was just a dream and that none of this really happened to Meredith. "I need to stop crying!" she yells in desperation now.

Her sobs have calmed down slightly, but that's really not saying much considering how much she was crying to begin with. He stares at her, giving her that sad eyed puppy dog look he always gave her when he felt guilty about something. She's angry now, why the hell does he feel guilty? What exactly did he even do wrong in the first place? It agitates her, the way he always manages to blame himself for these things. It finally dawns on her that her agitation with Derek distracted her from _him. _

She tears away from his hold and he looks at her like a deer caught in headlines, completely shocked and confused as to why she just did what she did. Her anger is escalating and she's losing control at this point. Losing control of all the emotion she kept bottled up for six days, all the things she wanted to cry and yell and scream about are surfacing but at this only moment the only person she feels enraged at is Derek.

"Meredith... its ok." he says lightly, thinking she's freaking out again like she had when they were getting his car, she's been scared of him then because he grabbed her from behind. She's not afraid, she's enraged and for some reason it's all focused on Derek. It boils over at this point and he stands up, trying to comfort her. All she sees is him giving her _that _look and before she knows it her hand is slapping across his face.

The noise echoes throughout the room and she gasps, it just dawns on her that she actually did that and guilt attacks her. Why the hell did she do that? He stands there with his hand covering his face slightly; he's staring at her in shock. She's embarrassed that she's just done this; her hand is covering her mouth in shock-horror.

"Oh, my god... oh my god Derek, I'm sorry-I" he cuts her off.

"Its fine." he says she can tell he's a little mad but he'd never let on that he was.

"No, it's not fine I slapped you across the face, Derek that is not fine don't even try to tell me that it is. I'm a horrible person who slaps the guy who just wants to help her across the face, you should just go because honestly you're wasting your time helping me here." she's sobbing again now.

"Meredith, I deserved that. If I had just done a better job at helping you, if I'd never kissed Rose then-" his voice breaks and his hand lowers, exposing the large red patch on his face from where she'd hit him.

"Then what Derek? What, we'd still be together and I wouldn't have taken that back entrance to avoid you?"

"You would've been with me." he says in desperation, "I would have kept you safe."

"You know this is exactly why I slapped you! You always find a way to blame yourself whenever something that's completely out of your control happens!" she exclaims in realization. "You need to stop blaming yourself for what that man chose to do!" that's why she's so angry with him, the fact that he's blaming himself.

"Meredith, I don't think I'll ever stop blaming myself for this." she exhales and the frustration seems to seep from her pores, he was just such a stubborn ass.

"God, you are such a stubborn ass!" she exclaims pounding on his chest with all her might, he takes it, he doesn't deserve it, she knows that in her mind even though he doesn't. He thinks he deserves it but he takes it because it's better than the quiet zombie-like state you used to be in and he knows that deep down she needs it. All the feelings she's been bottling up need to be released from her system and this was the way to do it. "I Just-YOU! You make me so _angry!_" she screams.

Slowly the energy its taking to hit him starts to drain from her she can feel herself slowly crashing at this point. Suddenly it becomes too tiring for her ineffectual fists to hit him so he hugs her, pulling her in tightly into his chest. He rubs her back up and down, the way she likes it. She pulls away now and stares up at him. They stare at each other for a long moment, not saying anything.

"I'm sorry." she says lightly suddenly feeling deep remorse yet again for physically assaulting him. He smiles half-heartedly, as if he doesn't have the energy or even the morale to give her the "Mcdreamy" one he always gives off. Gently, he wipes the tears from her eyes and face, kissing the cheek that wasn't cut.

"We've already established that your fists are ineffectual anyway." he says grinning lightly for the first time in six days, for a second her heart flutters when she sees it, for that seven seconds she forgets that she was ever attacked and raped or that they ever broke up in the first place, for those seven seconds she feels serenity.

Exhaustion creeps its way up to her and her eyelids suddenly begin to dip, like all of the sudden someone just cut off the remaining battery supply.

"Do you want to take a nap?" he questions, "Are you still in pain, Mer?" he questions more urgently this time. Of course she was in pain; she'd just had the crap beat out of her, he exhales when he realizes just how question is.

"I'm tired." she says lightly, she becomes light headed like it's taking all the energy in the world just to stand there in front of him.

"I can carry you upstairs." he says motioning towards her, she pushes him away lightly.

"Derek, its fine I can walk up a freakin flight of stairs." she bites his head off.

"Meredith I'm sorry I'm not trying to make you mad, I'm trying to help you." he's exasperated at this point, nothing he says or does is right. She feels guilty now, he just wants to help, and she knows this. The hovering has always bothered her but now it seems to affect her more than ever. She hates feeling like she can't do anything on her own anymore.

"No, that was mean I shouldn't have bit your head off." she avoids eye contact with him and heads toward the stairs. He follows close behind her, anxiously waiting for her to fall back or something. It makes him nervous; he'll always be protective of her even if they never get back together. No matter what their relationship is he knows he will always have the instinct to protect Meredith Grey, even when she doesn't need protecting.

It's bothering her, the hovering behind her she won't say anything though because the last thing she wants to do is bite off Derek's head again. So she clenches her fists and stays quiet. He just wants to look out for her and for that she should be grateful, not agitated. Why does she feel agitated? It baffles her how most girls want the freaking prince charming "I'll be there all the time saying things" kind of guy and she can't even appreciate the one she has... well sort of has, technically their not really together. But despite their current status she has a man most women could only dream of and she pushes him away.

She enters her bedroom and all she can think of is Derek and all the sex she's had in it. In light of what happened to her all she can think is how sex will now never be the same. She's had a lot of sex in this bedroom; some good, some bad.

_"Morning beautiful." _she remembers him saying that first morning they'd woken up together after finally being allowed to be a couple. She remembers kissing him lightly and rolling on top of him, excited to get in a quickie before work.

_"How about one quickie before work, I get to be on top this time." _She was happy when she'd said that. She and Derek were happy and sex was amazing with him. She had no care in the world when she said that. She hadn't a care but now... how can she even be the same ever again? She won't she feels like she'll be even more broken before.

She sits on the bed and finally rolls down the sheets, Derek stares at her almost waiting for her to get under the covers. He desperately wants to stay in the room and watch her sleep but he knows she'll get angry with him for hovering. She was already a bit on edge, which is of course what he expected out of her but in the back of his mind he feels the need to stay in the room. He clears his throat, catching her attention. She looks up at him questioningly.

"I will be right down stairs so when you wake up just let me know what you want to do." he says, she exhales in relief, she doesn't have to kick him out.

"Ok." she says curtly, leaving it at that/

He's frigid in the doorway it's like his minds telling him to do what he said and leave her alone for a while but his body is refusing with that huge part of his mind screaming at him that he wants to stay with her so badly. He reluctantly takes a step; it's a smaller stride than his usual ones. He's obviously hesitant to leave her. The horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach arises, anxiety or nerves? Probably both. The door closes behind him and he sighs, just hoping she's ok in there.

He walks down the stairs to the empty house; he doesn't know what to do with himself al alone. He sits on the couch staring into space the TV is on but he doesn't have the attention span or even the interest to pay attention to the CSI rerun. All he can think about is if she's ok, what if she was having a nightmare like she'd had a few times at the hospital, those got bad. She was thrashing and screaming and terrified, the memory makes his body involuntarily shudder and his stomach do a one-eighty.

She'd sleep better in his arms; he'd feel better with her in his arms. The room is warm although it's not necessarily from the actual temperature, he's sweating yet the backs of the nape of his neck feels like someone threw a snowball at it, like his sisters constantly did to him during childhood. His leg bobs up and down from nervous energy, he's a mess. The doorbell rings and he jumps out of his seat. His heartbeat pounds in his ears as it takes his brain a few seconds to process that it was just the doorbell.

He opens the door and to his partial relief Cristina is standing on the other side, thankfully not reeking of Vodka or any other type of alcoholic beverage.

"Where's Mer?" she questions plowing through him and into the house.

"Upstairs taking a nap." he says his voice tarnished with nerves.

"You're like sweating... a lot!" she points out to him, he rolls in eyes in agitation.

"Why are you here to point out my flaws or to support Mer!" he snaps, she motions away from him raising both eyebrows and sticking out both palms to motion him away.

"No need to bite my head off I was just pointing out the obvious because it's kind of cold in here but yes I am here for Meredith just like you." she makes her way into the kitchen, grabbing the first bag of potato chips she can find. She plops down on the couch, making herself at home.

"You sure know how to make yourself at home."

"Mer'smy perfone." she says with a mouthful of chips. She finishes chewing as he sits down on the opposite side of the couch, "Ewe why are you watching CSI New York? Everyone knows the original is the best." she scoffs.

"I wasn't really paying any attention to the TV, but I prefer watching the Miami reruns when they're on, Haratio is good." he counters.

"Bad taste on television too." the beeping of his pager makes him immediately groan in agitation, the last thing he needs to be doing is operating on anyone. Cristina stares at him, waiting for him to leave. "Aren't you going to take that?" she questions.

"No." he says curtly pretending to watch the CSI episode.

"You can't just ignore a page" she says grabbing the pager out of his hand before he can even react, she's stealthy. "It's from the chief!" she exclaims. "You not about to ignore a page from the chief." he groans in annoyance.

"The chief doesn't scare me, he can page me all he wants believe me when I tell you he's better off using Nelson for his surgery." he rubs his temples because of the headache that's suddenly struck him.

"Obviously not... or he would have paged Nelson." she says slightly under her breath. He shoots up in frustration now; this woman really knows how to agitate him. She stares up at him raising her eye brows again.

"Listen, your Meredith's person so the last thing I want to do is fight with you. We both want to be here for Mer so please I'm begging you here, just make it easier for me to get along with you and I'll extend you the same courtesy." he's obviously angry now and she bites her tongue so she won't laugh out loud at his sheer frustration. She just nods and he sits back down.

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><p>Meredith awakes in a cold sweat, the dream she had was not pleasant to put it lightly. The images in her head make her shudder and the beads of sweat covering her body make her shiver even more due to the cool temperature around her now that she's thrown her covers off. Her breathing is heavy as her mind processes that she's in her bedroom and not laying on the cold cement outside the hospital naked.<p>

She catches her breath for the most part and climbs out of bed; she makes her way into her bathroom and jumps back at the sight in the mirror. She looks again harder in complete shock, the woman staring her back was..._her._ She cringes; her hair is ratty and in knots, the bags under her eyes give her a zombie like appearance, not to mention the small cut across her face is extremely distracting as well as the huge bruise that looks like Texas on her chest and the ones covering parts of her arms, legs, stomach... pretty much everywhere, you name a body part and she probably has a bruise there. Not only is her appearance horrifying but her smell, like sweat and hospital. It's quite frankly disgusting to her. She has to take a shower; she can shower by herself, right? Technically she knows that someone should be in there with her just in case she can't bend a certain way due to the broken ribs or passes out but the last thing she wants is Derek watching her like a hawk with his big, sad, blue eyes in shower too.

She lets her clothes drop down onto the floor in a puddled mess at her feet, not really caring about them anymore as she stares at the all too appealing shower in front of her. She turns on the water and the warmth sooths the skin on her hand and suddenly she can't wait to submerge her whole body in the warmth. She steps in and it feels like heaven against all the aches and pains shooting through her body. She dumps some lavender shampoo/conditioner into her hand and laves up her whole head with it, gently un tangling all the knots and washing all the excess dirt and blood and whatever other particles the nurses had failed to scrub out of her hair. She rinses and the lavender collects in a white swirl around her feel by the drain. It feels amazing to finally get all of the stuff out. She's tired though and she knows she has to sit down for a few minutes before she washes her body.

She sits in the corner of her shower, the same nook she always sits in when she's too tired to stand up and shave in the mornings before going to work, the one where she'd frequently doze off. She leans her head against the green tile and thinks. All the bruises covering her body make her sick to her stomach just thinking about where they came from. He'd done this to other women... she'd heard the nurses talking about the man.

She knows that she was considered lucky in this whole ordeal, the usually his victims died. She laughs sardonically to herself, why out of all the victims this man attacked did she get to live? It baffles her really; the way the universe beats her down but won't really just put her out of the misery. Why does she even deserve to live when all those other women had died? What makes her so special; a lot of those other women would probably do something with their enjoyable lives if they'd been given the chance to enjoy them. Yet for some reason she got to live and all the women who so desperately wanted too died. The universe has a funny way of arranging things.

It dawns on her that the last thing any of them would want is for her not to testify in trial or speak to the police. One thing Meredith Grey is not is a coward or a quitter. She's competitive and she won't let this man win, not just for her but for the ones who didn't get to live. She had to nail this guy and that was exactly what she was about to go do.

She's going to finish this shower, call that detective guy... whatever his name is, get somewhat presentable and go down to the police station. She slowly makes her way to her feet and finishes washing her body.

She gets out of the shower and throws on her red bath robe and her hair up in a towel. She grabs the phone in her room and the business card for the guy off the desk, Vince Ryan, that's his name. She dials the number and the ringing starts.

"Detective Vince Ryan, Seattle Police Department." his voice rings on the other end.

"Uh hi, this is Meredith... Meredith Grey I want to do the lineup and the interview." she says trying to sound as brave as she possibly can.

"Meredith, I was hoping you'd call soon, when do you want to come down?" he questions.

"When is the soonest I can?" she questions

"I can arrange it today if you'd just like to get it over with."

"Ok I'll be there in an hour or so." she says about to hang up now.

"But Meredith, I'm glad to hear that you're doing a little bit better. I promise you we're gonna nail this SOB." he says, she smirks a little.

"That's why I called, I need to do this."

With that she hangs up and returns to the mirror, she slaps some of the lavender, leave in conditioner to her hair and dries it. Some of the shine is starting to return, it's not the usual but it's much better than before and at least now it's clean. She walks into her bedroom and grabs a sweater and jeans. She grabs the first bra and panties she can find and slips into them.

She pulls the navy colored sweater over her head and pulls the demin Levis over just over her hips. She walks back into the bathroom and does her best to cover at least the bruises with face makeup and make herself less zombie -like. She puts make up on her eyes to make herself more presentable and stares into the mirror. She gathers up her courage, she can do this.

She has to do this, maybe her living as opposed to any of them is kind of messed up but the least she feel she can do at this point is get justice for the women who died and never let his man be able to this to anyone ever again.

She walks back down the stairs and sees both Derek and Cristina now. They stare at her in shock, "Meredith, did you take a shower?" Derek says concerned and approaching her now.

"Yeah." she replies.

"Why are you dressed?" Cristina questions.

"I called that Detective guy... I need a ride down to the station; I want to pick out that guy in the lineup and interview with the police."


	5. Authors Note:Sorry!

**I'm incredibly sorry that I've given you guys a stupid author's note, I hate them and I know probably everyone does but I thought it would be better to give you one of these than nothing at all. I originally had the plot completely drawn out for this story, but the more I thought about it the more I thought it was almost boring.. so I've spent all this time making a completely now plot outline and researching. I really want to make this the best story I possibly can for those people who are somewhat interested in this story.**

**I've found it harder to write about grey's lately because it just let me down after the season finale. Quite frankly Mcdreamy let me down because leaving when it makes you look bad is selfish and quite frankly not what a marriage should be. The Derek we love would not have done that in my opinion, sure he could be mad but he'd never leave Mereidith. Unfortunately the show is just not as great as it originally was to me.**

**But, this story is finally back on track and I'm working on the next chapter now that I know exactly where this story is going. I'm thinking of starting up a series of epilogues as well from some of my favorite episodes throughout the series, but I promise this update will be done as soon as i can possibly get it done to the standards I'd like it to be.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Wow, it's really been a while since I've updated this story and for those of you who still wanted to read it I am very sorry. I have to say this chapter took me a while; in fact exactly where I wanted this story to go was difficult for me to figure out so I spent about a month refining my plot outline. Unfortunately though, as I said in my AN, I just lost a lot of the love I had for Grey's and a lot of the faith I had in Derek. I honestly didn't even want to watch the show anymore… what happened in that finale bothered me that much. Derek just really let me down, he's a fictional character but I think it's safe to say that everyone who watches the show is attached to the characters in some way. Oddly enough all of the sudden I felt the urge to write again and I started working vigorously on this update. So I really hope you enjoy it, please R&R. And to those of you who have been reviewing, it is greatly appreciated.**

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><p>Meredith Grey could feel her heart beating in her chest at a mile a minute as she and her person sat outside the Seattle Police Department together in her blue jeep. The rain had started up again on the drive there and now left a foggy residue on the windows. She exhaled deeply as Cristina stared over at her, just waiting for her to actually get out of the jeep, she was impatient, she always has been an impatient person but in this instant she knew Meredith needed time. So she kept her mouth shut instead of pestering her to get out of the car like she usually would do in this situation.<p>

Even as a kid and a teenager she always hovered in doorways, indecisive about what she actually wanted to do in the room or even say to the person that sat in it. In this moment Meredith was hovering, not in a door way but in the car, outside the place where she knew she needed to be.

"Cristina, tell me to get my ass inside that building." she knew she needed to hear it otherwise she feared she'd chicken out, though Cristina knew she was stronger than that, she complied.

"Mer, you got to get your ass in there and nail that guy." She exhaled at the words and wiped her hand over the window, the way a child does when they want to see what's outside the window. She could see the police station and her stomach seemed to drop, he was in there; that much she did know. She would have to face him eventually, why not just go do it now? She convinced herself in her head, she needed to pull up the courage and in an instant she does.

She stepped out of the car and the chill of the Seattle air hit her face and made her lungs burn on contact. Cristina exited too and slowly inched her way next to Meredith. They stood outside the station for a moment, this was it.

"I got this." Meredith said reinforcing her courage.

"You got this, and I'll be there." Cristina said reassuring her friend that she wasn't in this alone.

_"Derek, that page is 911 you need to take It." she said convincingly, she wanted him there yes; but she didn't want a patient to die or him to get into trouble because of her._

_"The chief should know not to page me, I told him I was on paid leave for now." he said dodging her glance as he leaned up against the sink, she bit her lip and backed in closer to the counter, he could be such a stubborn ass sometimes._

_"You're going into the hospital, Cristina is here and I'll be fine. Obviously if the chief is paging you 911 on your paid leave then it's really bad and he really needs you. I don't want to be responsible for someone dying because the best neurosurgeon in the country couldn't get his ass to work and operate." she said firmly, in her bossy manner. His heart seemed to melt in that moment, she'd looked like her old self; in that instant you would not have known that this ever happened and that gave him hope, it was only a moment but in the back of his mind he couldn't help but think she'd go back to normal. He knew that this wouldn't be some overnight miracle transformation, but maybe in time she'd be able to move on, they'd be able to move on. This moment brought a ray of hope._

_"You know how bossy you are, right?" he questions smirking now at her._

_"I keep you in line." she said giving him the smallest little hint of a smirk in return. She gestured him toward the door now hinting at him to leave._

_He looked toward the door and sighed, this was one of the many things he loved about her; when she put her foot down he knew that there was no winning against her. He leaned in closer to her for a moment and the lavender scent of her hair made him want to take her back up stairs and just lay with her in bed undisturbed by the outside the world. He leaned in and lightly pressed a kiss on her cheek; she tensed for a moment then released it all; she leaned back into him as he held it there. He broke and they stared at each other for a moment._

_"You can do this Meredith." he said as he strode toward the door against all his instincts He'd always had the instinct to protect her and this just made him uneasy, her doing this alone. He knew she could do it, there was no question there but he wished he could be there likely for his own sanity really._

Meredith smiled as she remembered what Derek had said to her before he left. She could do this; she had to do this, not only for her but for all the other women victimized by this man.

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><p>Detective Vince Ryan felt unexplainably anxious as he awaited the arrival of Meredith Grey, the pictures of her battered body after the attack made him shutter as he compared them to the headshot of her. She was pretty, not just the kind of sexy that made men fantasize about having sex with her but she was also the kind of pretty that caught your attention, you could look at her more and more, something about her was captivating. Between the wavy honey colored hair, adorable smile and interesting gray eyes she was definitely something to look at which of course made it all the more difficult for him to look at her battered and bruised as she was, she definitely didn't deserve that.<p>

He ran both his hands through his hair, a tell-tale sign that he was stressed out. Staring at these case files all day took its toll on him; it made him fear the world. He feared all the sick people inhabiting it, he feared all those dark corners where evil could lurk and pray on the unsuspecting by-standard. More than anything though he feared the fact that no matter how hard he tried; crime was inevitable.

The light tapping noise coming from across the room caught his attention and seemed to snap him out of his dazed perplexity, that's when he saw her in the flesh standing in the doorway. He opened his mouth to speak but the words he wanted to say escaped him.

"Sorry, I-uh... Am I interrupting? "She questioned nervously tripping over her words; a small smile tweaked his lips.

"No, not at all." he said standing up from the computer chair in front of his desk. She came closer now and her gaze glazed over all the photos on the bulletin board behind him, his gaze followed her's and his heart sped up for a second,"Crap, I'm sorry I shouldn't have left these up." he said guiltily.

"No, it's fine... It's just a lot of women." she said

"Which is why your testimonial in court is monumentally important if we want to put him in jail." he said, she nodded understanding that she needed to do this no matter how much she dreaded it.

"Ok so are we gonna go do the thing where I point him out in the line-up?" she questioned after a moment of awkward silence. He chuckled slightly; she certainly had a sort of fire in her.

"Yeah, we can go right now." he said leading her back out the door of the office. She followed him silently and closely through the office and past the lobby where Cristina was sitting, she needed to do this part by herself; that she knew.

she walked through the present with him with her head down, not wanting anyone to make eye contact with her, the building was old and somewhat beaten down. It was apparent though that it was at least freshly painted a beige color that made the space as neutral as possible. All the desks were across from each other, each had a laptop on top of it and a small desk chair. There was a door that led out to a waiting area and a hallway with the chief's office, the restroom and all the detectives' offices. The other hallway was where they were headed; toward the interview rooms and the holding cells.

She followed him down the narrow hallway and heartbeat sped up at with each step, this was really it. As soon as he opened the door she could see into the room it made her uneasy. He entered and she followed more reluctantly than she had initially planned too but at least she'd gone in.

"Meredith, this is one way glass so you can see him-" she cut him off.

"But he can't see you." she said completing his sentence, he nodded and she joined him in front of it.

", chief Delk, nice to meet you." he said reaching out a hand, she shook it and nodded politely.

"OK, Meredith we're going to bring in the suspects, each of them is going to step forward and if you see the guy all you have to do is tell us that it's him.

"Ok." she said breathlessly.

He pressed the button on the intercom and spoke, "OK Garcia, bring them in." and just like that a line of men entered the room each holding a number they turned around to face her, numbers one through 10.

"Number one, please step forward." the man stepped forward and Meredith looked, he was about the same height, same hair color yet he didn't quite ring any bells for Meredith. He was too chubby to be the man who'd attacked her, she knew that.

"No, that's not him." she choked out.

"Suspect Number two please step forward." she looked at this man, his face was far too long and his nose stuck out like a toucan's... definitely not.

"That's not him either." she said staring at the same spot on the wall, her agitation was becoming more obvious all she really wanted was to point at the man who did this and get on with it because quite frankly she doesn't really know what else she can do.

"Suspect three."

And just like that her wish was granted as if the universe had responded to her desperate internal plea. The dark hair and the black beady eyes that reminded her of a shark made her shutter and took the words out of her mouth at that point, she was frozen... her vocal cords just seemed to be under a temporary paralysis, not matter how hard she tried no words seemed to exit them.

"Meredith?" Ryan says curiously as she stands there gaping at the man like a fish on a hook; stuck with her mouth wide open and no way to get off.

"Th-thats." was all she managed to get out at a strained whisper.

"Is that him Meredith?" he questions urgently, he needed the confirmation, his palms sweated in anticipation all she had to do was say a simple three letter word and the man he'd been trying to catch for the past five years would finally have to pay for his actions. It was surreal to him that a simple three letter word could affect so much.

"Yes." she says breathlessly, his heart stopped dead in his chest for a moment, she'd just confirmed it... the man standing behind one way bullet proof glass is the man he'd been hunting for, the moment he'd been working for has finally arrived and he's finally gotten his wish. It was bittersweet this woman had been the key to catching the man yet she was also a victim who would have to deal with the fallout for her entire life, the thought was making him nauseous.

Meredith's lungs feel like their burning it's like someone set fire to a building and trapped her inside... like she was drowning in the Elliot Bay all over again she was desperately trying to breathe but all she could do was gasp. The whole world turns into a blurred haze and her eyes are burning from the salty tears she's not even aware of, like the salt water burned her eyes while she was sinking to her death just a mere five months ago.

"Meredith... Meredith its ok... Meredith look at me he can't see you, you did it." Ryan says turning her around to face him now, she's gasping for air and he feels helpless. He's frozen; really not sure of what to do in this situation, what do you do when someone is having a panic attack? "Meredith you need to breathe you're fine." he says attempting to be soothing, unfortunately it doesn't seem to be working for him.

"Ryan, get her out of here!" Delk says urgently leading Meredith away from the glass now. She was unaware of anything going on around her, she couldn't breathe and she was sinking the blackness started to engulf her more and more each second her blurred vision became black. It started with dots and started to multiply like someone was taking a paint brush and just splattering black paint over her eyes... and then nothing.

"Meredith!"

the throbbing sensation in Meredith Grey's head was intensified by the blurred light as she opened her eyes she was in a dazed confusion everything was just... unclear to her. She blinked rapidly as she heard people chanting her name... voices she recognized, she definitely knew the people saying her name her brain just wasn't willing to process precisely who they were at this very moment. Slowly the world started to clear up and her brain became less fuzzy.

Raven black hair and bright blue eyes filled with concern were peering down at her with concern, he was leaning over protectively and though she doesn't know exactly what happened it made her feel a bit more safe.

"Derek?" she finally questions, he exhales a sigh of relief, "What happened?" he smirks a bit at this.

"Meredith, you fainted." her eyes widen in disbelief now... Meredith Grey does not faint...

"I WHAT?" she says wide eyed, "you're lying. " she said he actually laughed at this; a real Derek laugh, the one that made his smile widen and his baby face come out to play. She sat up and he reacted quickly putting his hand behind her back for support. She was sitting up now with his arms protectively around her.

"Well this is just... awkward." Cristina chimes in... She hadn't even noticed her friend kneeling to the left of her. She looks around the entire room now Derek is holding, Cristina is to her left, Ryan's to her right and much to her embarrassment an entire room of people are staring at her... she clears her throat to relieve some of the tension.

"Meredith, go home for the night and come back tomorrow we can finish our interview and meet with the DA then." Ryan says politely. She nodded at him, figuring it was best for her to flee the scene for now. Derek looked at her questioningly... can you get up? his expression seemed to read. He didn't even have to speak for her to know what he was saying.

"I can get up." she answers without even thinking twice about it. He reluctantly moves to help her stand, slowly she grabs his hands and he lifted her up, she was dizzy for a moment upon standing but it quickly subsided, much to her relief.

She turned to Vince now and politely smiled at him, "Well uh, thanks for the... thing... I guess I'll see you tomorrow." she said awkwardly as the entire room stared at her, great she'd just had a panic attack in front of the entire Seattle Police Department, that'll make her a stable witness for a courtroom plus it'll give Derek even more of a reason to hover around her.

They exited in a hurry and Meredith tried to be inconspicuous, the last thing she wanted was any more of an audience. The chill of the air hit her when she exited; it was like a light turned on and woke up all her senses again.

"That went well." she said sardonically.

"At least you didn't pee yourself." Cristina added as Derek glared at her. Meredith laughed dryly at her comment.

"Meredith they all understand that could have happened to anyone in your situation, in fact I bet it's happened a lot more often than you'd think." Derek added trying to comfort her. She turned to him with both eyebrows raised.

"Oh, I bet."

"Mere... are you okay to go home with Derek? My shift starts in twenty minutes..." Cristina said trailing off as she looked at her watch.

"No it's fine." Not! the last thing she wanted was to have to talk about what just happened with Cristina she knew they'd just avoid the subject but with Derek it would be an endless discussion about her feelings; she wouldn't want to talk about it, he'd press the subject and complain about how she never lets him in, and it would finally most likely result in her talking about things she'd much rather hide in the back of her mind. She knew him way to well...

She trudged through the rain and plodded off to the Cheyenne grumbling to herself as she did so. She knew she couldn't avoid the inevitable but she wished she'd had just a bit more time to think about exactly how to get out of talking about her true feelings. She plopped into the black leather passenger's seat and stared out the window, she thought that somehow not making eye contact with him would get her out of having to speak with him.

"You can't avoid this subject just by staring out the window Mere..." he said taking the seat next to her, she sighed... exactly the comment she didn't want to hear, she seemed to forget that he knew her just as well as she knew him. She turned to look at him; his blue eyes matched her gaze.

"It's annoying how well we know each other." she said.

"It just makes you mad because you can't get out of talking about your problems with me anymore... by the way bringing up how well we know each other isn't going to work either." damn he's good... she thought as she crossed her arms over her chest.

"You had a panic attack in there." he said.

"No I did not... and how would you know anyway, you weren't even there." she said as it finally dawned on her... he wasn't even there before...

"Cristina confirmed it plus, like you said before, I know you which means I know that when you freak out you forget how to breathe and I know that's the reason you passed out."

"That's... just crap." she said defensively scowling at him now. He rolled his eyes, she was stubborn but so was he and it didn't always make for the smoothest conversations.

"Stop dodging it Mere, all I want to do is talk. It's just me, you can tell me what's going on." he said as they pulled up to the red light. She exhaled and realized there was no point in being stubborn or starting an arguement over this, all she could was talk.

"Fine, I freaked out, just don't tell anyone." she said like a child admitting a secret they don't want anyone to know.

"Mere, believe me when I tell you, you're secrets safe with Me." he said.

"I saw the guy... the one who-" she cut herself off; she couldn't bring herself to finish the sentence.

"I know." he said pulling into an empty parking lot and parking.

"I just... I don't know it was like I couldn't breathe all the sudden I was drowning in the Elliot Bay again only this time you weren't there to dive in and catch me." she admitted, shocking herself even at her honesty. Meredith Grey doesn't discuss her feelings with anyone, yet somehow she managed to get this out of her system. "Ironically enough I did wake up to you hovering over me though so I guess you were there." she added.

"A little too late just like last time I suppose." he whispered.

"Derek, you saved my life last time and I'm not sure there was much that could've been done this time."

"I could have talked you out of it... I could've gotten you to breathe." he added brooding over the fact that he wasn't there to begin with.

"The whole beating yourself up over nothing thing really makes me want to punch you." she said trying to lighten the mood now, "Listen to me when I tell you this. Was. not. your. fault." she said one word at a time, trying to make her point clear.

"Has anyone ever told you that you're bossy?" he questions smirking at her now.

"Maybe one or two people." she said smirking back, "Someone's gotta keep you in line though Derek." She added.

"Very true." he agreed, "Are you hungry?" he questioned. He was happy that she had at least told him a little about what was going on and he made the decision not to push the subject at this point and for that she was great full.

"I could go for some take out." she said, the whole not eating for days thing was finally catching up with her, her stomach seemed to scream Feed Me!

"Take out it is then." he confirms.

"Get it from that one place next to that nasty Chinese place and that other sandwich place that we loved." she said, knowing that only he would know exactly what she meant.

"Papa Giorgio's Old school Italian." he said, informing her of the proper name.

"Yeah that place." she said rolling her eyes.

"OK." he replies taking off out of the parking lot now.

After stuffing herself, Meredith and Derek made their way up the stairs and to the familiar bedroom they both love. She sighed and the tension seemed to exit her system the way the air exits a balloon when you undo the tie at the bottom.

She ripped off her jeans and took off the sweater, leaving her in only underwear and an undershirt and she climbed into the warm depths of her bed. Derek stripped to just boxers and joined her, normally she'd kick him out but for some reason she felt the need to let him stay, she couldn't quite explain why but it felt to her like the complicated and messy issues with him just seemed to be insignificant to her tonight.

"I miss this bed." He whispered staring up at the ceiling.

"I'm glad your here." she said grabbing his hand, he shifted to his side and wrapped his arms around her, they didn't have to say anything in that moment they just lay there and stare at one another, for the first time in what seemed like years for both of them they had a peaceful easy feeling around them, and neither of them wanted to break it.

"Derek." she whispered hesitantly, she was afraid to say what she wanted to say out loud, the two horrible words she was taught never to use in the same sentence. The words that pointed her out as weak, the words her mother never used, and quite frankly the words surgeons in general don't like to say, "I'm afraid." she said shakily.

"Me too." he replied softly as he moved a stray hair from her face. With that he kissed her on her forehead and for the rest of the night peaceful silence stretched throughout the room, the kind of peace they've both been in need of.


End file.
